


Touch Starved

by thatdrumblonde



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Childhood Friends, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Riku/Sora (Kingdom Hearts), Mutual Pining, Sea Salt Family, Spoilers, Spoilers - Kingdom Hearts III, not that much of a plot but if you look really close you might find something, rated M for i might write something spicy in later chapters, rated M for... swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2019-10-23 04:10:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 29,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17676212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatdrumblonde/pseuds/thatdrumblonde
Summary: *** MAJOR KH3 SPOILERS, please see notes for a better summary!!!***Mostly Hurt/Comfort. What more could you want? Takes place after the events of the final battle.





	1. Gold to Green

**Author's Note:**

> Just recently free from Xemnas/Xehanort, Saix has trouble adjusting to the intense emotions that came with reforming. Axel said he'd bring Saix home and he meant it. The question is what that entails.
> 
> \--
> 
> I wrote this to fill the gaps in my heart after finishing KH3 way too fast. I need explanations in that time skip and I am gonna DO IT MYSELF. Also I'm too lazy to write "Saïx" every time so I'm just typing "Saix." I hope you like it please be nice to me i am sensitive ok bye

_He tried to memorize the sound of his voice. The way he held a keyblade. The emotion in his eyes as he defended himself. He didn’t want to think about Roxas, or Sora, or Xion. They hurt to much. Axel hurt too, for he never got to say what he wanted to— needed to. He could remember when he had a heart. Lea._

_Saix glanced passed the blue locks over his face, trying to have him as the last thing he sees. Then he saw his expression._

_Saix didn’t understand the mist clouding his eyes, nor his trembling breath. Something coursed through his chest. Feeling._

_“Why… so sad?” It came out happier sounding then he wanted to let on._

_He felt more when Axel winced back, grinding his teeth as he shook. “You let them reduce you to this?”_

_“I thought… you outgrew the marks under your eyes.”_

_He touched his cheek. “So?”_

_Saix smiled up at him, through the pain pulsing through his body. “You look… like you need them…”_

_Then he wanted answers. Saix gave them. Everything, until talking sharpened the pain. He clutched his side. It was easy to ignore after the shock of Axel running to his side, placing a hand on his back. “I didn’t forget you.”_

_“Yes, I know. You wouldn’t do that.” He looked at their audience for a moment. Axel placed his hand on his shoulder, and he was grounded. “But… I was jealous.”_

_“You admit it,” Axel commented warmly._

_“Well, if I make it back, you won’t get it out a second time.” Saix attempted to put himself upright, failing. He stumbled sideways, and Axel caught him, laying him across his lap._

_He tried a sad smile. “See you, Isa.”_

_Saix mirrored him, eyes crinkling at the corners. “See you, Lea.”_

_What a pleasant sight to disappear to._

\--

The spikey, flaming hair was unmistakable. It was definitely him. Yet Saix hesitated to approach, spying from afar. There was a good possibility Axel didn’t want to see him. He never thought he’d be lucky enough to find him alone. Roxas and Xion must have been busy, or something along those lines. Certainly. But there he was, dangling his legs off the clocktower. The ice cream was missing, though.

“You’re so predictable,” Saix beamed. Axel tensed. Quickly discovering that he’d revealed himself, he stammered, “I- I mean, do you have a moment to spare?”

“Holy shit,” he breathed. “Isa?”

Saix nodded. “It seems you can’t get rid of me.”

Before Saix could think, Axel scrambled to his feet. His hands moved as if they couldn’t decide where to go, whether to touch. 

“Axel. If you want me to go, I will. I just…”

“You’re real?” 

“I believe so.”

The hesitant hand decided on Saix’s cheek, a thumb tracing under his eye. It took everything not to press into the touch. “Your eyes,” Axel studied. “They’re yours. I mean, they’re green.” 

“It seems so.”

Axel cleared his throat, snatching his hand back. “Why are… were you looking for me? Why?”

He had to pick his words delicately. Perhaps, not all the reasons. “Not to harm you. Never again. I was curious if you might let me apologize. If we could… try to repair out friendship. Not instantly. You don’t trust me. But maybe—“

Arms caught his waist, yanking him into an embrace. Relaxing instantly, Saix held him close. Maybe for too long. But he couldn’t remember the last time someone hugged him. “We can talk more later. I’m just really glad you made it.”

“Thank you,” was all Saix could think to say.

Axel stepped back, clearly avoiding eye contact. He placed himself back where he was originally, gesturing for Saix to sit. He did, closer than the last time, but still a significant amount of space between them. 

“Did you wish to be alone?” muttered Saix.

“That was why I was here. To be alone to think,” he shrugged.

“I-I can--”

“I was thinking about you actually.” The corner of Axel’s mouth twitched. “It’s like I summoned you with my magic keyblade bullshit.”

Saix could not suppress his grin. “Figures. You always did get by on your bullshit.”

“There he is,” said Axel.

Warmth. The weight on his chest-- he was still getting used to feeling so intensely. The Organization claimed not to be able to, and it was partially true. Saix was nearly certain Xemnas couldn’t, and told them that’s what they should model. And there was, for sure, dampened emotion. But Saix still felt. Somewhere, down deep. He felt rage when he’d berserk. He felt jealousy when Lea was Axel, when Roxas stepped in where he had previously stood. He felt pride when the superior would praise him. He felt terror when—

Saix touched the scar across his face.

“Isa?” started Axel, bringing him back down. “Er- Saix. Whichever. Do you have a place to stay?”

He doesn’t know why he hesitated. “No. I just reformed. My only goal was to track you down.”

“I bought a place near Destiny Islands,” he commented. “It’s tiny, but you can crash on my couch.” 

“I cannot ask that of you,” he answered. “It is not your responsibility to harbor me.” 

“Well, good thing you didn’t ask. I did.” 

“But—”

“Great, it’s settled. We’ll have to get you out of that goddamn coat, too.”

“Stubborn.” Saix looked down at his outfit. It was always the same. It granted him safety. Resistance against the shadows. But it was a symbol. He shut his eyes tight. “Lea, listen. I need to talk to you about—”

“Stop,” he pleaded. “Not now. I promise you, we will. I need to get things off my chest, too. But right now, I just need to convince myself that you’re real. Pretend that you’re Isa, that nothing happened. That we’re still stupid teenagers. That you’ve actually...” He paused. “That you’ve come home.” 

He wanted to assure him. That didn’t seem like something he could do with words. “I understand. Take all the time you need.”

“Careful. That might be forever.”

Saïx just nodded. 

“Just stay here. Watch the sunset with me.” 

“I am not going anywhere. Not until you wish it.”

—

Having Saix in the same building not wanting to kill him was something to adjust to. Odd was an understatement when he saw him fast asleep, hair falling to and fro, actually looking content. 

He snuck passed, eager not to wake him. He was likely tired from reforming. Axel could recall the fatigue in the beginning. 

Filling a pot, Axel snapped a flame underneath. It settled under the base. There wasn’t much he had to eat; he’d have to see if Saix wanted to go somewhere. For now, he could do this. 

“Mmm— Lea?” 

“Good morning, sunshine,” he greeted, teasing at the grogginess in his voice. Well, it also mocked the moon gimmick. “Hope the tea pot didn’t wake you.”

“No, I— Lea, what the hell are you wearing.”

He snickered. The fleece pants were black with flames running up the leg. “Riku got them for me. It’s called fashion. Look it up.” 

“They’re hideous,” he smiled. 

“So fucking tacky,” he chimed. “He got them as a joke, but they’re actually quite comfortable.” Axel swooped up two mugs, bringing them to his bedside. “Speaking of tacky…” 

On the beaten up coffee table, Axel put the mug reading ‘#1 Uncle’ in front of Saix, who blinked. “What’s this?”

“That’s from Xion. I think they must have gone to a thrift shop or something.”

“I meant the contents of the cup,” he corrected. 

“I, uh, have a vague memory of you drinking oolong,” he said. “At least, I think it was oolong. It was definitely tea.”

He sat upright. “You did this for me?”

“Obviously.”

“Lea, I told you that you don’t have to treat me with hospitality.” 

“Dude, I live in a shack. It’s still not hospitable.” 

He wasn’t incorrect. The home was fairly far from the town. It was closer to the shoreline and looked like it’s seen better days. Axel mentioned the furniture was second-hand, but that was the most kept-together part. There were cracks in the wooden walls and the door didn’t lock without a fight. “It’s cozy,” Saix stated. That wasn’t a lie. It was warm. The windows let in rays of sun. It felt lived in. “But I’ll help you fix it up, if you want.”

“Shut up and drink your tea.” Axel hid his face behind his winter mug with ‘ARENDELLE’ displayed across it. 

He obliged, taking a sip. “Lea. Thank you.” 

“Don’t have to thank me,” he hummed. 

“Debatable.” 

Axel cleared his throat. “Did you sleep okay?”

“Yes.” 

“Do you feel okay?”

Saix tilted his head. “Why are you asking these questions?” 

“Um. Well, when I reformed, I had a horrible headache for three days,” he stammered. “I wonder if you’re going through anything similar.”

“You worrying about me?” he smirked. 

“Anyone would!” he retorted. “The shit we went through isn’t normal.” 

“You’re right,” he hummed. “That doesn’t mean you are obliged to care.”

“Well, I do,” growled Axel. “So get over it.”

Saix smiled into his cup. “Lea.”

“What?!” 

“Nothing.” The tea fumes caressed him and cleared his mind.

“Whatever you say, #1 Uncle.”

“It’s your cup, not mine,” he teased. 

“Because I’m a fabulous uncle,” he stated. “Not that I have any real family, but. I would be the #1 uncle.”

“Xion in your niece. It is written in mug law.”

Axel’s features twisted. “You said her name.”

Saix didn’t respond.

Axel stood and strode to the makeshift kitchen. Well, it was an old oven, a few older counters, and a fridge in decent shape. There was no table. The kitchen took a corner next to the door, then immediately became the living space Saix had slept in. Whether or not it could be categorized as a kitchen depended on the person classifying it. Not that there was room for a more lavish kitchen. There were only three rooms: this bigger one, a bathroom, and the bedroom. Shack was an appropriate word. Saix assumed Axel didn’t have much in terms of munny. It’s not like the Organization paid well -- and that was a while ago. Living needs were provided in the castle, and any other funds were majorly collected from heartless or other enemies. Saix attempted to give bonuses where he could. He was heartless, but he wasn’t… well, heartless. He was sure all of Axel and Roxas’ munny was poured into ice cream.

“I don’t have much food. Don’t know what you’d want either,” Axel grumbled.

“Lea, stop doting on me,” he scolded, though it wasn’t carried with anger. “I am intruding into your life. It is not right for you to worry about me.”

The Arendelle mug was put down just a bit harder than necessary. “Are we gonna talk in circles all the damn time? I don’t know what is going to get it through your thick skull, but I care about you, Isa. You were all I had before the Organization. I thought you’d get that.”

“You too,” Saix said softly. “You were all I had. You _are_ all I have. Why else do you think the first thing I did was track you down? So forgive me for feeling guilty. You should not have to take me in. But I am beyond grateful.”

Axel sighed, coming back and plopping next to him on the sofa. “Isa. I know shit is complicated. But don’t think for one more second that you’re ‘intruding.’ Ever since the day you… you left, I’ve been waiting for some sign of you. I told you when you were with them that I was gonna get you back. I meant it.”

He’d almost forgotten this feeling of his throat choking up. Of tears threatening to surface. “Forgive me. I am not used to… these thoughts. Just… feeling. So strongly. So prevalent. Before it was somewhere hidden, but now it is screaming in my mind.”

Axel gave one, short laugh. “Having a heart is a bitch!”

“Is that why I’m being so damn sappy?”

“Probably,” he smiled. “Or maybe you just like me.”

Saix huffed, and Axel laughed again.

He missed the sound. Lea laughing. Because of him. It warmed him. Though, that he’d never tell.

“So. Should we go get breakfast?”

—

It was a horrible display of arguing in front of this poor merchant. Saix wanted to pay. He hardly had munny. Saix insisted.

“Holy shit, you stubborn ass!” Axel groaned. He threw the payment at the merchant before they could continue. “You want to help so bad? Carry the goddamn eggs!”

Saix had been distracted. He walked off with the bag as Axel thanked the merchant. “Lea.”

“Hmm?”

“Lea, I want a smoothie.” There was a small cafe across the way. They displayed advertisement on a fold-up chalkboard. 

“Sure,” he blinked. 

They went in and found a small table in the corner. Saix ordered for him, making a point not to let him pay for it. “The fruit is local,” he stated, oddly serious for the given situation. 

“Yeah?”

“Try it, Lea. It is very good.”

“No, I thought I was just gonna look at it and leave.” He brought the straw to his mouth. “Damn. You’re right.”

“Per usual.” Axel rolled his eyes. “You picked a nice place to live.”

Axel shrugged. “It’s close to the others.”

“I might like to go to the beach,” he said nonchalantly. “I’ve heard the moon is beautiful on Destiny Islands’ waves.”

“Have you now?”

“A little.”

“We can go. It’s a short walk from my place.” He took a sip. “The Axel Shack.”

“Is that what you’re calling it?” he smirked. 

“Off the top of my head just now.”

“How cute.”

“Hey, uh…” Axel rubbed the back of his neck. “What do you think about letting me re-introduce you to my friends? We’d sail out to the island Sora lives on. I’d bet they’d like to know you made it.”

Saix exhaled. “I’m not sure they’d be happy to know that.”

“You don’t know that.”

“You and I shared a bond before I was Saix,” he continued. “I would expect them to be hostile. Especially Xion and Roxas.”

“Yeah, about that. I sort of already talked to them. About the possibility of you returning,” admitted Axel. 

Saix’s eyes flickered up in interest. “What did you say?”

Axel gazed out the window. “Well, that you might come back more Isa, or that you might come back more… Number VII. I said I hoped the reformation would be a positive one. But either way, I wanted to talk to you. And try to convince you to come home. Lucky for me, here you are.”

“And what did they say?”

“They are nothing but supportive, Isa. Sure, Xion might be shy for awhile. Maybe Roxas will be on his toes. We can’t change what happened. But you can prove that you’ve changed.”

Saix pushed his hair behind his ear. “Maybe not all of the guardians at once.”

Axel shook his head. “The King is hardly ever here. He’s busy. Aqua, Terra, and Ventus visit, but don’t live around here. Though I think Ventus would like to see you again. It would be Roxas, Xion, Sora, Riku, and Kairi.”

“Did you speak with the last three?”

“I talked to Kairi, yeah. Don’t want to surprise her after the shit she’s been through.”

“Alright. If it will please you.”

“Not like you to be nervous, boss,” he chuckled. 

“ _Please_ do not call me that.”

“Oh, that reminds me. You need new clothes still. At least borrow something of mine until we find something that suits you.”

“It protects me,” Saix mumbled.

“Hey, I get it. I didn’t take the coat off until after that battle. It was part of me for so long. Probably more so for you. But once I took it off, it was like moving on. If you don’t want to, it’s okay.”

“We should get the groceries back to… The Axel Shack,” he decided. “Wouldn’t want anything to spoil.”

“I don’t know if I can keep calling it that,” he grinned. 

“It is pretty stupid.”

—

They got the coat off, but the pants and boots stayed. Instead, he took a maroon zip-up sweat jacket from Axel. The soft inside fabric was a pleasant change from the sleak he was adapted to. He brought the sleeves to his face when Axel wasn’t looking. It did. It smelled like him. A scent he’d almost forgotten. He blushed at his own actions, but he wanted to know if it was how he remembered. 

Axel liked the sunset. They left then, but stayed long enough to see the moon emerge over the water. 

“Isa.” It was said in almost a whisper, barely audible. 

“Hmm?”

“I know you’re still waiting to have the conversation. If you want to say something, go ahead.”

“Where do I begin?” Saix picked up a seashell and rubbed his thumb across it. “Lea, I’m sorry. Xehanort’s hold over me caused me to do things I regret now, that I am free of him. I don’t expect you to trust me again. I don’t expect things to be the same. But perhaps I can atone. I was trying to get out of the ‘true’ organization, but I was weak. That’s why I visited you on the clock tower. To tell you I did not wish to stay. But you never would have heard me out then. It was enough to see you, one last time.”

“Damn it, Isa,” Axel croaked. “I could have helped you.”

“No. Xemnas would have killed us both. Protecting you was more important.” 

“You don’t get to decide that!” he snapped. “I had to cut you down! Is that why you held back? I know you could have destroyed both Kairi and myself. We were fresh out of keyblade training.”

“You might have never reformed,” he muttered. 

“Well, if Xehanort won, it wouldn’t have mattered, would it?”

“He didn’t,” Saix reminded. Maybe more for himself than Axel. 

“I still remember the day he gave you that scar on your face,” Axel droned. “Xemnas took out that weapon and made you an example. I should have… that’s when you started being distant. Shit, what else did he do to you?”

Saix was touching his scar with one hand. The other fisted the fabric of the sweatshirt. He didn’t respond.

“Hey, no. Isa,” he said, softer. He scooched closer so he could wrap his arm over Saix’s shoulders, squeezing lightly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought that up.” 

“It’s fine,” he managed. “I’m fine.” 

“You don’t have to put on a brave face around me,” Axel whispered. “Not anymore.”

Saix rubbed his eyes. “I told you his hold over me was strong.”

The hand rubbing circles in his back startled Saix, but it was a welcome gesture. Axel spoke, “he’s gone, Isa. He’s not going to hurt you anymore. I’ve got you.”

Saix let out a sob, then covered his face. “I’m sorry. I still don’t have control over these damn emotions.”

“Don’t apologize,” Axel coaxed. “No need to be embarrassed.”

“What did I do to deserve you?” trembled Saix. 

“Damn. You _are_ being sappy.” It wasn’t carried to tease or mock, especially once Axel’s free hand found Saix’s. “Isa? I like this side of you.”

Heat rose to his cheeks and the tips of his ears. “I’m not sure I do.” Axel squeezed Saix’s hand. “I’m so sorry.” 

“Isa,” he hushed. 

“I’m sorry for everything I did to you.” 

“I wasn’t exactly great to you, either. And I was too angry to think you might have been suffering.”

“Don’t. You had cause.”

“Look at us,” Axel laughed sadly. “Arguing over this shit.”

“I know,” he sniffed. “But so much is left unsaid. So much I’ve done. So much shit you went through and I sat there.”

“It’s okay,” he assured. “Just seeing you like this is enough to believe you’ve changed.”

“I look like an idiot,” he groaned. “Crying like a child.”

“Crying like a man who has been through enough,” Axel corrected. 

“Is…” Saix paused. “You said at the clocktower that you had things you wanted to get off your chest. Is there something you would like to say?”

“Huh.” Axel pulled his hands back, but didn’t widen the distance between them. “Well. I guess… You answered some. I wanted to know why you stayed with them. Answered. And just spending time with you cleared shit up. But I don’t want anymore secrets between us, you hear?”

“Loud and clear.”

“Great.” Axel craned his neck to look at the sky. “Maybe I want to ask selfish questions. What do you think of that?”

“You always did think the world revolved around you,” said Saix, corner of his mouth curving. 

“Alright,” Axel began. “You seem to care. And I’ve told you I care about you. What do you want us to be?”

Saix paused, hesitant. Words were dangerous. What he wanted wasn’t clear, might rub Axel the wrong way. “I… want you in my life,” he breathed. “I don’t know what that means yet. But I’d like to find out.” 

Relief overtook him when Axel grinned from ear to ear. “Me too,” he said. “But uh, you know what that entails, right?”

“What do you mean?”

“It means getting along with my friends,” he stated. “Roxas and Xion. Kairi. Those kids are stuck with me.”

“Their #1 uncle,” smiled Saix.

Axel rubbed his neck. “Something like that. Might be a little more complex. But you gotta promise me you’ll see more than a keyblade.”

“Much easier now that my eyes aren’t gold,” he claimed. 

“Thank fuck.”

“We… created Xion,” Saix hummed. “At the time, she seemed like a dusk. Not truly a nobody, and not human in the slightest. But she has flaws. Emotions. I see this now. And I wonder, perhaps, what it must feel like to be fabricated. If perhaps, I should apologize to her… don’t look at me with that stupid face, Lea.”

He wore a shit-eating grin. “You used her pronouns.”

“Is that wrong of me?” he retorted. “You want me to give her a chance, do you not?”

“I missed you.”

Saix blushed again, refusing to look at Axel. “ _Missed_ me?! That’s not—”

“The Isa I remember wasn’t such a jackass,” he said. “Well, a little bit of a jackass. But not ‘The Luna Diviner’ jackass. ‘Second-in-command’ jackass.”

Saix pinched the bridge of his nose. “Don’t make me regret not this.” 

“Isaaaa!” he whined, nudging him playfully with his shoulder. Saix smiled for a moment, then his face fell again. They sat listening to the waves, Saix hugging his knees. “Isa?” he said again, breaking the silence. “Did you hate me?”

“What?” 

“When we were in the Organization. Did you hate me?”

“No,” Saix mumbled. “I wanted to, but no.”

Axel fell back to lay on the sand. “It’s a good thing I’m so charming and charismatic. Otherwise, you might have.”

“That must have been it.” Saix ran his fingers through his hair. “Did you hate me?”

“Same answer,” he huffed. “I wanted to. It would have been easier. But my damn memories were so loud. I knew my best friend was in there somewhere.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You’ve already said that.” 

“It’s not sufficient.”

Axel tugged at the sweatshirt sleeve. “Isa, lay down with me. Look at the stars.”

Saix blinked before he did as he asked. The stars were very clear, complimenting the moon. Axel’s presence at his side was evident, yet calming. Breathing slow, he felt content.


	2. Names

The next day, Saix woke before Axel did. He didn’t sleep well. Thoughts plagued him. Dreams never bothered him as a nobody, but of course it was different now. 

He was in the tiny kitchen, trying to recall how Lea liked his eggs, or if he even ever saw him eat eggs. He just made them. If he didn’t like it, he didn’t have to eat it. They had picked up pineapple and honeydew so he chopped that up as well. 

Luckily, Axel wasn’t long, so he didn’t have to worry about cold eggs. He shut his door quietly as if not to wake Saix before realizing he was awake.

“Good morning,” Saix said warmly. “I made you eggs.”

“Aww. You shouldn’t have,” Axel replied with a yawn. 

“Well I did. It is the least I can do.” 

Axel slid next to him. “When did you start taking care of me, huh?” he teased.

“You’ve always been incapable of doing it yourself.” 

“Um, wrong. I do just fine.”

“On a diet of strictly ice cream. Yes.” Axel raspberried with his tongue. “Mature as ever.”He made the fart noise again. Saix rolled his eyes.

Axel mumbled a thank you before taking a plate, picking at it with his fingers. 

“Use a fork, you neanderthal.” 

“It’s my shack!” he pointed out. Saix groaned. “Isa? Would you want to go to the islands today?”

He tensed. “I am going with your schedule, am I not?”

“Well. Figured you’d might like to mentally prepare yourself,” huffed Axel.

“I’ll never be prepared,” Saix stated. “Might as well get it over with.”

“They’re harmless,” he assured. “It’s not like they’re going to attack you. Not unless you attack them.”

“You wouldn’t put that passed me, would you?”

“Ugh. I’m certain you’ve changed.”

“Then why did you say it?” he said coldly. “Think I’ve been scheming against you this whole time? That I would fake everything I have said and done in the past day?”

“Don’t be an ass,” groaned Axel. “I’m still getting used to you not barking orders at me like I’m a dog.”

“I will go with you to the islands,” he murmured. “I just need some time alone first.”

Axel blinked. “Of course. You wanna go around 3 or 4?”

“Okay.”

“I… I can leave here, if you want to be here.”

“I wouldn’t do that to you. I’ll likely just walk around the area.” 

“Alright. We’ll meet at the docks, yeah?” Saix nodded as he cleaned his plate, moving toward the front door. “Isa? Wait.”

“What?”

“I’m gonna be right there next to you. When we see them,” he reminded. “And if you change your mind, we can go another time.”

“I’m going, Lea.” He pushed the door open. 

\--

Axel found Saix at the same place they had been the night before. It wasn’t time to go yet, but he wanted to go to the docks early, as some part of Axel was terrified he’d wait there and Saix would never come. 

Saix jumped at his arrival, as he seemed to be in some meditative trance. “It’s early, isn’t it?” he growled. 

“I’m walking passed you,” Axel said defensively. 

“No,” Saix said suddenly, tone completely reversed. “You may stay. Or we can go.”

Axel threw himself on the sand next to him. “Can I admit something?”

“What?”

“I left early because I was afraid you wouldn’t show,” shrugged Axel.

“I made a promise,” he grumbled. 

“Look. I know. I just don’t want to scare you away. Just got you back.”

“I…!” Saix stammered, “you- it’s…”

“Haven’t seen you speechless in ages!” laughed Axel. “We agreed no more secrets, yeah?”

“Yes, but…”

“So, that’s it. You don’t have to say anything.”

Saix clamped his mouth shut. 

“There’s a boat leaving in a few. I used this ‘gummiphone’ the keyblade people gave me to tell Kairi I was coming.”

Saix hugged his knees. “Just you?”

“Don’t want to ruin the surprise,” he smiled deviously. 

“I would not have been offended if you did.”

Axel nudged him with his shoulder. “Then let’s ‘get it over with.’”

\--

Saix looked like he was going to throw up. Strategically, he walked behind Axel, shielding himself, but would never admit it. At least the scenery distracted him. 

“Kairi said she’d meet us by the waterfall,” Axel started. “I think I see the back of her head.”

“Joy,” dronded Saix.

“What do you want me to introduce you as?”

Saix flinched. He hadn’t even considered that. He enjoyed Axel calling him Isa, but wasn’t sure if it would be weird if Roxas started calling him that.  
“I don’t know,” he said honestly. 

“They all call me Axel,” he mentioned. “It got weird when they were calling me Lea.”

“I supposed Saix is appropriate then.” He paused, fiddling with his fingers .“Did… do you want me to stop calling you Lea?”

“Nah,” he smiled. “You’re different.”

“Am I now?”

“Not in a bad way,” Axel assured. “Everyone else, it’s like they’re trying to erase what I did in the Organization. But you knew me. Know me. I guess that I... like the way it sounds when you say it.”

Saix’s stomach flipped at the comment. He scrambled to find an appropriate response. “That’s how I feel. When you say Isa.”

With a laugh, the redhead rubbed the back of his neck. “Then… we got something only we share, yeah?”

“Yes,” Saix repeated, pushing down a grin.

Axel cleared his throat as they approached. “Yo, Kairi! Hope you don’t mind I brought a guest.”

“You did?” she questioned, turning from the water. Her face fell as she gasped, color flushing from her face. 

“No, no, hey!” Axel coaxed, nearly tripping to put himself closer to her. “It’s alright! Remember, we talked about—”

“Oh my gosh, I am so sorry,” she pleaded, hands over her presumably pounding heart. “You just shocked me. I just… the last time I saw him…”

“I took you prisoner,” Saix muttered. 

“Yeah,” she frowned. “I’m sorry. This is so rude of me.

“You have cause,” said Saix.

“I assure you, he’s on our side now!” Axel explained. 

“I know.” Kairi stood, taking her feet out of the water to walk passed Axel. She held out her hand. “Welcome back.”

Saix shook it hesitantly. “Thank you. Your reputation speaks truth of your kindness.” That made her smile to the ground. 

Axel wrapped his arm around Saix’s shoulders. “I told you he’d come back. And here’s your proof!” 

“I see that. I never doubted you,” she giggled. 

“Maybe I should have mentioned he was coming too,” admitted Axel. “Should have figured you might have a heart attack.” 

Kairi waved it off. “I’m just glad everything turned out. Oh!”

“Is that Saix?!” called a familiar voice. The men turned their heads. Roxas and Xion were running up the beach. “Axel, is he back?!” said Roxas.

“Yeah, I dragged his ass here!” Axel answered. Saix turned to stone as they approached.

“You look different!” Roxas greeted. 

“His eyes,” Axel nodded fondly.

“And he’s…?”

“We’re good, Roxas. He’s good.”

Xion was using the same tactics Saix was; she was mostly behind Roxas, hiding herself.

Taking a last glance at Axel, Saix stepped forward, kneeling to her level. “Hello, Xion. It’s alright. I’m not here to hurt you. Not anymore.”

“I know,” she said into the arm she was clinging to. “Axel said.”

“But you don’t believe it.” The island seemed to go completely silent, the others holding their breath. “You’re scared. It’s understandable, Xion. You don’t have to trust me. But I apologize for what the Organization put you through. What I put you through.”

Xion’s eyes misted over. “You are?”

“Yes,” Saix comforted. “When I was with them, I saw you as a puppet. A thing. But now, I know better. Axel has shown me this. You have shown me this. You feel. You have thoughts and a will. I was too stubborn to believe it before. Now I am free of Xemnas. Xemnas doesn’t have us anymore. I am not going to hurt you.”

Xion nodded, a tear running down her cheek.

“Woah,” Roxas blinked. “You really did come back different.”

“He’s Isa again,” Axel breathed, unable to suppress his grin. 

“Yes, well.” Saix stood up, face burning. “That’s enough of me being vulnerable for today.” 

“Sora and Riku are vacationing in San Franokyo,” mentioned Kairi. “Otherwise I’m sure they’d like to hear the good news.”

“We can call them later,” said Roxas. “Um, Saix. What have you been up to?”

“He’s been with me,” Axel answered, still beaming. “Just reformed.” 

“Nice. You wanna tour of the island?”

\--

The sun was setting by the time they were done wandering around. Kairi had asked for a moment alone with Axel, so they sat on the tree she, Sora, and Riku used to hang out on while Roxas made Saix play frisbee with him. Kairi smiled at the sight. Axel couldn’t quite wrap his head around it yet. 

“You didn’t bring me over here for the view,” Axel questioned. “Something on your mind?”

Kairi sighed. “How are you holding up? This has got to be a big change.”

“It’s not a bad change,” he pointed out. “It’s weird, but it’s want I want.”

“And what is it that you want?”

“Kairi,” Axel huffed. “If you have something to say, don’t dance around it.”

“When you think of Saix, what do you see?” Kairi asked. “What is he to you?”

Axel squinted his eyes at her. “Are you implying something?”

“Answer the question, Axel.”

“Alright, alright!” He clicked his tongue. “He… reminds me of when things were simple. I see Isa. He was nearly all I had when I was a kid. I see Saix. When everything fell apart. I see the new Isa. Everything we’ve been through. Hope that days will be better. Not so damn complicated.”

“Axel, tell me the truth,” said Kairi. “Do you love him?”

Axel thought he was going to spontaneously combust right there. His ears were deceiving him. They must be. “Excuse me?!”

“It’s okay if you do!” she explained. “I just… Even in this short time, your whole demeanor has changed. You look after him like if you turn away too long, he’ll disappear. Not to mention the flirting.” 

“I was not flirting!” he hissed. “We go way back; it was playful banter!”

“So flirting.”

“No!”

“I know what I saw,” Kairi stated. “And how you looked at him.”

“Kairi!” scolded Axel. 

“It’s okay, you know,” she continued. “He looks at you the way Riku looks at Sora. Sad. Protective. Like you’ll go away again if he makes a wrong move.”

“He does?” he asked, flustered. 

“I thought you didn’t like him,” she smirked. 

“I’d like to know all the same,” he argued. 

“Just be careful, Axel,” Kairi hummed. “If you want him to stay, you should tell him that. He’s confused right now. Doesn’t know what to do with himself. Tell him what he means to you before he makes a bad decision.”

“I don’t see how that would help,” he mumbled. “If I scare him away…”

“Just… consider it Axel.” She hopped down from the tree. “And… make sure he’s the person you knew before. Not completely, of course. Make sure the eyes changing has the impact we think it does. I don’t want you to get hurt.

Axel ruffled her hair. “I thought I was supposed to be taking care of you.”

“We take care of each other,” smiled Kairi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more chapters to come.... hoohoohoo im not done yet........... let me know if you like it thus far it will fuel my soul..............................


	3. Perfection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let Axel Say Fuck. Things are gay.

“After you,” Axel said playfully, holding his door open for his friend. “Are you tired? Should we stay up?”

Saix snatched the blanket off the couch before wrapping himself in the corner. “Trying to make up for lost time, Lea?”

“What if I am?” he smirked, taking the other corner. “Would you make fun of me?”

“You just make it so easy to make fun of you. I can’t help it.”

Axel grabbed the blanket. “Give me this back; you’ve lost your blanket privileges.”

“Maybe I’ll just go sleep in your bed.” 

“There’s room for two,” Axel purred. 

Saix kicked him back, distracting him long enough to yank the blanket. “I’ll stay here where I can’t hear you snore.”

“I do not snore!” Axel grinned, pushing him back until he fell laying down on the sofa. Axel pinned Saix in place. “No bed for you.”

“It’s like you’re still a child,” Saix said, rolling his eyes. Axel fell on top of him, his weight completely down. Saix picked up the blanket, which had fallen on the floor in the commotion, and draped it over Axel. 

Axel hummed contently, allowing himself to relax across his chest. “Am I crushing you?” 

“You act like you didn’t used to do this all the time,” breathed Saix. “I am accustomed to it.”

“It’s been awhile.”

“I know.” After hesitating, Saix adjusted to drape his arms around Axel. Though Lea was the only one he would _ever_ let do this, he’d be lying to himself if he said he hadn’t been craving proximity to another person. It was human. A human need. One amplified after the reformation; one he’d been void of for so long. Perhaps Axel was having the same dilemma, which would explain the closeness as of late. 

“I’m really pleased with how today went,” Axel commented, bringing Saix out of his own thoughts. “Thank you for doing that. I know it was way out of your comfort zone.” 

“It was,” he answered. 

“And, uh…” Axel stammered, “you probably don’t give a shit, but I… I’m really proud of you.”

“Proud?” Saix breathed. 

“You tried to break free of Xemnas. Xehanort. You abandoned him; walked your own path. Realized your presumptions about Roxas and Xion.” Axel moved and groaned in his chest. “Damn. I sound so fucking corny right now.”

“I had a guiding light,” Saix murmured. 

“Whatever it was, I’m damn thankful for it.”

Saix closed his eyes, unsure whether or not he was glad Axel didn’t pick up the intention of his words. “So are you at their beck and call now that you’re a high and mighty keyblade wielder?”

“Meaning?” was Axel’s muffled reply.

“Do you have to drop everything to go on a world-saving adventure should they ask you to?”

“I guess. It’s not like I got much else going on.”

“Ah.”

“Man. Xemnas would have wanted me around if I had a keyblade back then,” pondered Axel. “Maybe I’d be higher up then you.”

“Right,” Saix managed. 

“‘m gonna fall asleep on you, Isa,” he mumbled. “You’ve been warned.”

“Perish the thought.”

—

After breaking through the grogginess of sleep, panic overtook Axel. He was passed out on the couch, but Saix was no longer below him. 

In a mad dash, he checked the bedroom. Maybe he had been uncomfortable and moved there. No Saix. He rushed to the shore where he had been the day prior, with no success. Axel shouted his name into the dawn a few times, with no success. He pulled at his hair, wondering where he could have gone. 

It was a stretch, but after sliding into his Organization XIII coat, he opened a portal. 

Saix wasn’t on the clocktower. Axel looked desperately over the view before teleporting again.

.

The sun was starting to rise on the intricate pattern of Radiant Garden’s plaza, where they had met Ventus in another life. A familiar blue was staring up toward Ansem’s lab. 

“Isa!” cried Axel, unable to contain himself. He sprinted toward him, placing himself firmly in front of Saix. “What the fuck, Isa?! Why did you leave?!”

Saix was pale, fear evident in his eyes, refusing to look at Axel. “I…”

Axel gripped his shoulders. “Hey, snap out of it! Whatever is wrong, we can fix it!” 

“Go home,” he quivered. 

“Not without you,” he demanded. “Tell me what’s wrong. If I did something, if I can fix it—”

“No. I’m… it’s not safe for me to stay.”

“Why?!” Axel growled. “Whatever thoughts are going through your head, I can deal!”

“What if he comes back?” Saix muttered. The grip on his arms loosened. “I came back. What if Xemnas shows up too? What if he tries to hurt you?”

“He’s not gonna come back,” assured Axel.

“What if I can’t control myself and he takes hold of me again?” Saix droned. “I- I need to… I don’t know. You need to…”

Hands moved from his shoulders to his face, cupping his cheeks and bringing Saix’s forehead to Axel’s. “Sora released you from Xehanort. He’s not anywhere near this world anymore. Don’t listen to your anxiety.”

“And what if you’re wrong?” 

“Then I need to be there to protect you, damn it,” Axel breathed. “Whatever shit gets thrown at us, we’re gonna face it together. Got it memorized?”

Saix couldn’t help but press his face into Axel’s touch. “You’re such a dork.” 

“A serious dork,” he told. “I’m not losing you again. Okay?”

“Why do you care so much?” he muttered. “Why do you have so much faith in me?”

“Because you’re asking questions like that. Saix never would have given a shit what I thought.” 

“He did,” Saix corrected. “I did.”

Axel sighed, letting his touch slip away. “Where do _you_ want to go, Isa? I can cry about how selfish I want to be, but none of that matters if you don’t even want to stay.”

“I want to stay. But I can’t,” he claimed. “If Xemnas returns, I could lose the ability to feel again. He could make me strike you down.”

“I know you’re still learning how to deal, but you don’t have to do it alone. Come back. Heal. Learn how to be Isa again.”

Saix dared to throw his arms around Axel’s neck, hiding his face in his neck. Feeling overwhelmed him as Axel reciprocated, holding his waist tightly. “You would let me be weak with you?” Saix questioned. “Like this? Like I have been?”

“That’s how it’s always has been. When we were dumb kids. You always tolerated my bullshit.”

“And you tolerated mine,” he finished. Saix pulled away, shrinking. “I continue to make quite the fool of myself. You’d better take me back before I change my mind.”

“You need a minute?” frowned Axel.

Saix glared in the direction of the lab again. “If Xehanort overtakes me again, you need to find a way to end me. Permanently.”

“Oooooh no. We are not talking about this.” Axel began storming off in the other direction.

_“Lea.”_

“Shut!”

“Excuse me, _keyblade wielder!_ Isn’t it your job to protect--”

“Sorry, Isa! I don’t have time for your self-destructive bullshit!” he called. Axel opened a portal back up. “Oops. Forgot my cargo.” He ran back to yank Saix in by the wrist.

“You are literally the most self-absorbed, stubborn-!”

Axel made a farting noise. 

“Ugh!”

\--

They teleported back to the familiar shore. Axel hadn’t let go of Saix’s wrist. Saix snatched it back. “Lea, I am following you!”

“Yeah, well, I thought you were gone, so forgive me for worrying!” snapped Axel. They both halted at his doorstep. There sat a navy blue luggage chest with a subtle, plaid pattern. 

“Do you know what this is?” asked Saix.

Axel tilted his head. “If my guess is right, it’s here for you.”

“What?” Saix gasped quietly. 

Axel bent down to unclasp the buckles. The chest popped. On top of its contents was a piece of sand colored stationary bordered with a variety of seashells. Axel held it delicately in his hand, reading the bubbly handwriting aloud. 

> _“‘Axel:_  
>  I had this commissioned from The Three Good Fairies shortly after we talked about Saix returning. I know it wasn’t for sure, but I wanted to make sure he felt welcome if he did. And he did! I think these suit him. I hope you do too.  
>  Love,  
>  Kairi’”

On the back, she wrote a note for Saix as well.

> _“‘Saix:_  
>  Welcome home! I hope you like your present. Please take care of Axel for me. We all look forward to getting to know you!  
>  Love,  
>  Kairi’”

Axel wore his shit-eating grin at Saix, who was stunned into silence. “Wanna try them on?” Axel suggested.

.

He gasped — actually gasped — when Saix stepped out of his bedroom. Kairi had gifted him a grey and black jacket that zipped up to just below his chin. It was accented with silver buttons and a golden moon pendant. It hugged his form well, and reminded Axel of the outfit he used to wear before their lives went to hell. Well, this was a darker, more appealing version, but had the old qualities embedded in them too.

“Does that mean you like it?” Saix smirked, smoothing the fabric.

“Hell yeah,” Axel grinned, rubbing the back of his neck. “Looks like you like it too.”

“I do,” he agreed, mirroring Axel’s smile. “I will have to thank Kairi if I see her again.”

_“When_ you see her again,” he corrected.

“Of course,” he nodded. “I’ll get accustomed to that eventually.” 

“She got you customized clothes,” Axel added. “It would be a pretty dick move if you ran off now.” 

Saix’s features twisted up. “Yes. Right. I must remember to make up for my behavior this morning.”

The other man’s face grew serious, something in him clicking all of a sudden. Like Axel might have understood, but it was just a theory. “Isa. I’m not Xemnas, you hear me? You don’t have to pretend to be perfect all the time. Not anymore.”

Clearly, Axel was at least somewhat right, seeing as Saix was instantly taken aback. “Oh,” was all he said. 

“These clothes?” Axel straightened Saix’s collar. “They’re a symbol. You’re shedding off the past. A new, carefree beginning.”

“When did you become the well adjusted one?” he hummed.

“Since we met!” he laughed, ruffling Saix’s hair. 

“Oh, _please._ You couldn’t last a week with me having to get you out of trouble.” 

“So, you want tea?”

“Yes. There are still eggs. Let me make you something.”

.

Eating cross-legged on the floor like children, the pair nibbled on Saix’s cheese omelettes and tea. After a morning of too much talking, they sat in silence, soaking in each other’s company.

—

Saix had no idea how Axel convinced him not only to go into town to shop, but purchase a swimsuit and put it to use that evening. The little beach by Axel’s place was becoming theirs. It was shocking that no one else was around, but the population was fairly small. 

Axel’s spikes were dampened, the water making them droop. Saix never went under the water, but his hair was a bit wet due to Axel’s pestering splashes. They now sat on the shoreline, Axel raving about some application on his gummiphone and how they should take pictures to post so his friends can see. 

“I didn’t think you were one for water, given that you’re a pyromaniac,” Saix mentioned.

“We didn’t really have beaches in Radiant Garden,” Axel reminded. 

“We didn’t have a lot of things in Radiant Garden.”

“Yeah,” sighed Axel. “Yeah.” 

“No one to take in a couple of punk-ass teenagers except Ansem.”

“And then we were lab rats.”

“I heard Zexion reformed and resumed research,” said Saix. 

Axel nodded. “Xaldin and Lexaeus are with him.”

“Did Vexen and Demyx wind up there?”

“Dunno.”

“I know they left Xehanort. I believe that was their destination.”

“While we’re on the topic: is that somewhere you want to go back to?”

“I don’t know,” Saix sighed. “There are good memories in Radiant Garden, but the bad scream louder.”

“Isa,” Axel said carefully. “Are we ever going to talk about… you know. That one memory.”

“What?” he asked, praying he didn’t mean what he thought.

“The fountain,” was all Axel said. 

—

> _They sat on the edge of a fountain near the lab. Isa’s hands trembled, folded in his lap. Lea was too close, arm wrapped around his waist. “Isa,” Lea coaxed, “if Ansem asked you to do something bad, you gotta tell me.”_
> 
> _“It doesn’t matter,” Isa hissed. “I would do anything I had to.”_
> 
> _“It’s clearly scaring you. Let me talk to—”_
> 
> _“No!” he gasped, causing Lea to flinch. “I can handle it.”_
> 
> _“Isa, please.” Lea maneuvered to take Isa’s shaky hands. “Don’t shut me out.”_
> 
> _“Don’t weep, Lea. You have nothing to fear.”_
> 
> _“‘m not crying,” he claimed, though the mist was evident in his gaze._
> 
> _“You are.”_
> 
> _“Why can’t you be honest with me?” he frowned. “You’re getting distant. That’s like, my worst fear. And if you get hurt… or leave…”_
> 
> _“Like she did?”_
> 
> _“Yes, but. I don’t think I can handle you,” admitted Lea. “Promise you’ll tell me if they ask you to do something dangerous. Isa, I’m begging here.”_
> 
> _Isa didn’t know what came over him when he leaned in closer to Lea, faces mere centimeters apart. “And what about you?” he whispered. “Would you do the same for me? Would you tell me?”_
> 
> _“Isa,” was all Lea could manage to say._
> 
> _Isa closed the gap between them, hesitantly brushing his lips across Lea’s. He tried once more, holding just a bit longer._
> 
> _“Isa,” he repeated, close enough that the word was hot against Isa’s skin._
> 
> _“Was that okay?” Isa murmured, searching the other man’s eyes frantically._
> 
> _“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted you to do that,” he breathed._
> 
> _“You could have done it first.”_
> 
> _“Just kiss me again.”_
> 
> _And he did. And then again, and then again._

—

“What is there to talk about?” Saix responded, flustered. “We were what, 19? 20?”

“We hardly talked about it then, either,” defended Axel. 

“Fine,” he retorted. “What do you want to discuss?”

“Why did you kiss me?” he breathed. “What did you feel?”

“I had feelings for you,” admitted Saix. 

“How long?”

“Since… we were kids.” His heart was bound to burst out of his chest. “I denied what it truly was until we were teenagers. I refused to think you could feel the same.”

“But you kissed me.”

“I thought I was gonna disappear too. I was desperate. I remember…” He paused.

“You remember what?” Axel said softly. 

“I remember… the intense desire to know what your lips felt like against mine,” he told. “I remember spending time with you, and dying to find out if maybe you felt the same. If our childhood codependency was something more.”

“Do you still feel that?”

Saix froze. “I…”

“Fuck. I can’t hold it in anymore,” Axel cursed. “Isa, there’s something between us. Don’t tell me you don’t feel it too. You’ve only been back a short time, and everything is rushing back. The emotions. The flirting. I can’t take it anymore! We got a second chance. Third chance? Whatever. We need to be honest with each other this time around.”

“Let’s say I did feel something between us.” He finally looked at him, sheepishly. “Would you have me? As I am?”

“Don’t push me away anymore,” Axel begged, placing his hand over Saix’s. “This damn heart won’t let me stay away from you. It fucking aches. Aches for what we had.”

“Then kiss me,” Saix breathed, slowly inching closer to Axel. “Show me what I have been missing all this time.”

It wasn’t like their first kiss at that fountain. Axel slammed into him like he was starving for it, tangling his fingers through long hair, holding on too long, digging himself too deep. They both panted as they broke.

Saix cupped his hand behind Axel’s neck. “Again.”

The other man did not hesitate to listen to orders. Axel slipped his tongue into it, earning a content hum from Saix.

“Stay,” Axel breathed, still running his fingers across Saix’s skin. “There’s no way in hell you’re leaving now.”

_“Lea.”_

“Stay,” he asked once more, kissing the corner of Saix’s mouth. “Do I have to beg?”

“I don’t know,” purred Saix. “I think I might like that.”

“Fuck you,” Axel laughed. He pushed the blue locks out of Saix’s face behind his ear. Saix smiled into his touch, eyes crinkling at the corners. “I missed your eyes.”

“Dork,” Saix grinned. “I missed your laugh.”

In a fit of passion, Axel scattered quick kisses across Saix’s face. _“Lea!”_

He ended back at his lips. “My Isa.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say thank you to everyone who has left kudos and/or commented so far. You guys are awesome!! I honestly didn't expect this kind of response so quickly. I adore reading your comments; they cleared my pores and cured my depression. 
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter, and I hope you continue to enjoy what is to come. I hope to not take too long to update, but I am a full time college student. As much as I'd rather write this, I have to prioritize writing essays. Boo.


	4. Protection

Saix woke up in the middle of the night again. It was harder to stay asleep when his body reacted with even more of these damn emotions. They were becoming burdensome. 

Today, however, there was a warmth on his back, a slack hand on his hip. His heart reacted at the reminder too — the sudden awareness that Axel was still curled against him, face nuzzled in the back of his neck. His heart screamed not in panic, but in quite the opposite. 

Saix wiggled to lay on his other side. Axel was still fast asleep. Lea always was a heavy sleeper, Saix recalled, and that appeared to have not changed. 

Nothing had happened last night. It was just decided that Saix would stop sleeping on the couch. They went no further than cuddling, and somehow it felt ridiculously intimate. Axel had stroked his hair as he fell asleep, insisting Saix fell asleep first. Presumably, he was probably concerned Saix would run again. But how could he, now that they had both laid themselves bare, vulnerable, everything out in the open? Now that they had obtained what Organization XIII wanted in the first place: a heart, to feel so intensely again, to care. 

Axel always cared. He never stopped. It infuriated Saix that despite all the shit they went through, he still had some grasp on that. But now? It was something to aspire to.

Saix lifted his hand to Axel’s face, letting his fingertips brush across where the markings under his eyes used to reside. Little Lea was never ashamed to cry. To let his heart shine out in the open. That was the reason Saix wasn’t mortified to be so weak in front of him. Even in youth, he resided everything in Lea. 

Perhaps that’s why he felt so intensely for this man. Axel was brave enough to be weak. Something Saix could never do. He had spent the past years shoving any trace of weakness deep inside himself. He wouldn’t have been second in command if he hadn’t. The X on his face reminded him that it wasn’t allowed. What would Xemnas think of him now? Now that he was in the embrace of his Organization’s greatest traitor, of a guardian of light? Being weak with him?

That godforsaken lump in his throat came back. Saix drew a shaky breath, snatching his hand away. Before he could start to overthink, he slid his way back into Axel, hiding his head on his chest, breathing him in. Safety. He couldn’t let himself ponder whether or not he deserved this, for he surely didn’t, but Axel pleaded for his company, and Saix would give him everything in his power to give.

—

Saix still woke up before Axel did. He slipped out of bed, leaving the door wide open so Axel could see him im the kitchen.

He was sick of eggs at this point. Axel had bread. He’d make french toast. It had eggs, but it wasn’t straight up eggs. 

A few pieces where done by the time Axel stumbled out of bed. It startled Saix when he came up behind him, slithering his hands around his waist. “Didn’t mean to scare you,” Axel hummed into his shoulder. “What are you making?” 

“French toast,” Saix stated. “That is, if I have the talent to make it while you restrain me.”

“Mmm. This is nothing, Isa.” Warm hands slipped under Saix’s shirt, caressing his stomach as Axel’s lips found his neck. 

Saix inhaled, nearly flipping the toast out of the frying pan. “I kiss you once, and suddenly you are incapable of keeping your hands to yourself?”

“Making up for lost time, remember?”

“You’re distracting me.” 

“That’s the one thing I’m good at,” Axel purred, just grazing his teeth on Saix’s skin.

Saix pushed him backwards. “Maybe you like your food burnt, pyromaniac, but I don’t. And you’re not getting any if you leave a mark on my neck.” 

Axel raised his hands dramatically. “Yes, sir. Forgive me, sir.”

Saix paused what he was doing to turn around, kissing him on the lips. “Do you have something to put on the french toast?” 

Axel somehow had maple syrup stored away in a cabinet. He had this, but not basic spices, as Saix teased. They sat a little too close together on the couch; Saix commented that they were to invest in a dining table. Until then, Axel draped his legs over Saix’s lap sideways, which Saix used as a table.

“Uh, Kairi messaged me while I was sleeping,” Axel mentioned. 

“And?” 

“Sora and Riku are back from that city. She wants us to go out to meet them.” 

“So soon?” questioned Saix.

“You don’t want to.” 

“No, I just…” Saix sighed. “We can’t be… touchy. I’m not ready to explain that.”

“I’m not sure I am either, to be honest,” he admitted. 

“And Sora… he’s defeated me twice now.”

“That kid is so forgiving and sweet it’ll rot your teeth out. With me by your side, you’ll be best friends in no time!” 

“Joy.”

“And Riku and him are like, infatuated with each other, which will _also_ rot your teeth out, but the point is he won’t touch a hair on your head if Sora gives you a chance.”

Saix nodded.

“Isa,” Axel told, “I can tell her we’re busy.”

“No. It’s alright.” 

—

Sora, Riku, Kairi, and Roxas weren’t at the beach when Saix and Axel arrived. Instead, Xion was alone, drawing patterns in the sand. She gave a shy smile as they approached. Axel purposely put himself in between her and Saix before joining her in sand art. Xion and Axel built a half-assed sand castle as Saix sat quietly and observed. They lined it with seashells Saix handed them for decoration. A particularly strong gust of wind came through; the castle was protected, but Saix’s hair was not, getting in his face. 

Axel laughed at the sight. “This is why Xion is more practical than both of us.”

“I am not cutting it,” Saix grumbled. 

Xion shook her head. “Don’t cut it. I always thought your hair was so pretty.”

The man was instantly flustered at the comment from the girl who, until now, would shy away from him. “You- you did?” 

She nodded. “It’s so long. And the blue is a really nice color.”

“Do you want to play with it?” Saix had no idea what came over him when he asked that question, let alone _thought_ of it. Perhaps he would have been embarrassed if her face didn’t light up in a way he’d never seen on her.

“Can I?” she said. “I’ve never had long hair to braid.”

“Then you had best get over here before the wind tarnishes my gorgeous locks.”

She giggled gleefully, scrambling behind him. “Um… tell me if I hurt you, okay?”

It was the sloppiest braid they had ever seen. Axel was staring dreamily the entire time. Saix was oblivious, but Xion noticed and giggled knowingly. “Um. You can take it out if you like. It’s pretty terrible.” 

“It stays,” Saix said firmly. “I am a princess now.”

Xion giggled some more. “We should have put flowers in it. Than you’d really be a princess.”

Kairi took advantage of Axel’s distracted doll eyes to sneak behind him hugging him from behind. “Boo!” 

He jumped violently. “Holy _shit!”_

“Lea!” scolded Saix. “Do not swear in front of the children.”

“She’s old!” he defended. “And she’s a monster!” 

“She is a princess of light, you ignorant swine.” 

“Fear me! Rah rah rah!” Kairi teased, keeping a firm grip around Axel’s neck. 

“Isa, I’m being attacked!”

“You must pay for using such foul language in range of my pure, pure ears! Don’t you know who I am?!” 

They all laughed together, hardly noticing the rest of their approaches. Riku cried, “Kairi, you’re killing him!”

Saix tensed at the sight. Daringly, Xion lightly touched his shoulder to ground him. Saix didn’t know whether to be touched or alarmed. But he was grateful. 

“Hey, Saix!” Roxas went out of his way to greet him. 

“Heard the reformation went well,” chimed in Sora. Saix would never get used to seeing he and Roxas in the same room. He and Isa weren’t separate. Axel and Lea weren’t separate. Were they? Saix clamped his eyes shut before he had an existential crisis. “And that you’re with us now.”

“He is,” Axel said for him. “No need to question him. You can question me if you really need to.”

“Hey now! I believe you!” Sora defended, hands on his hips. “One less person to fight is a victory in my book.”

“You gave me a second chance,” Riku added, ruffling his hair. “Only fair to give him one.”

“Thank you,” said Saix quietly. “It is appreciated.”

“Hey! You’re wearing the outfit!” Kairi grinned, finally releasing Axel. “It looks so good! Do you like them?”

“Very much so. Thank you, Kairi.”

“Oh, good. I hoped you would!”

“Nice hair,” Roxas commented. Saix’s mouth clamped shut.

“I tried my best, okay?” Xion pouted.

“I’m teasing.” 

“I am not taking it out,” Saix droned. 

“Do you maybe want to get ice cream with us some time?” Xion asked, hardly audible to anyone but Saix. 

“I wouldn’t want to intrude,” he stammered.

“No, no. I want you to come. And I bet Axel does too.”

“You know how he adores his ice cream.”

Axel stuck his tongue out at him.

Kairi gasped suddenly. “He needs a phone!”

Riku couldn’t help but laugh. “Why do we hand those things out like flyers?”

“Oh, what else is magic good for?” she huffed. “I’m gonna get him one.”

“Kairi. That’s really not necessary,” said Saix. 

“Well what if something happens? We can get a hold of you instantly. It’s the future, Saix!”

“So!” Axel said, clearing his throat. “How was San Franokyo?”

“Axel, it is so cool!!” Sora enthused, shaking Riku. “It’s so different than anywhere I’ve ever been! You guys should go!”

“Maybe not there, but I think Isa and I could use a vacation. Not like we have the munny, but.”

Kairi gasped again. “Do you need munny? I can lend you some—”

“For the last time: I am not taking your munny! We’ll just go do jobs or something.”

“Let me do nice things for you!” she whined. “You never let me do anything for you. I have more than enough munny.” 

Axel shrugged. “We don’t need to go immediately. Just being alive is a goddamn vacation compared to the Organization.”

“Being free,” added Saix. Xion nodded. 

Sora shook his head. “Look at this depressing talk. This is _not_ why we’re all here. We’re supposed to be celebrating!”

Saix turned to Axel. “What am I missing?”

Axel couldn’t help but grin. “You, Isa. He’s talking about you.” 

“Me?” he blinked. “I’ve hardly done anything worth celebrating.” 

“Roxas, come help me with the net!” cheered Sora. “You brought the ball, didn’t you?!” They scampered off. 

“Sora wants to celebrate all of us being here,” Riku mentioned. “You, Roxas, Xion. Everyone said it wasn’t possible for you to come back. Yet here you are.”

“It’s nothing official,” assured Kairi. “We’re gonna throw a _real_ party when Naminé comes back. We’ll have Donald and Goofy and the King too. And maybe Hayner, Pence, and Olette.”

“How is Naminé?” Axel asked. 

“She’s transferred to her new body, but she’s not awake yet. Ienzo said she needs to rest for a bit before she’s ready to be a person again. He said he’d call the minute she wakes up.”

“Sora is just eager,” said Riku. “Always looking for an excuse to let loose.”

“Kid has been through enough,” Axel commented. “He deserves to have fun.”

“RIKU!” Sora screeched. “Are you gonna play volleyball?! You might stand a chance without Donald and Goofy here to make the Keyblade 3!”

“What if I wanna be on your team?” Riku smirked. “Kairi can be on Roxas or Xion’s team.”

“We have an odd number,” Xion mentioned. “I want to be on Naminé’s team next time. I’ll stay with Axel and Saix.” 

“Um, they’re playing winner, duh!” Roxas said. “Kairi! Get over here; we need team bonding skills!”

Sora spoke, “Riku! We need a team picture!!”

“Can’t we do anything without posting a picture?” he teased. 

“No!!”

“Oh yeah,” said Axel, taking his gummiphone out of his pocket. “I was gonna show you. This is what I was talking about yesterday. You can put pictures on your profile and your friends can look at them.”

Saix looked curiously over his shoulder. “But what is the point?”

“There is no ‘point;’ it’s just for fun!” Axel insisted. “Like, here, this one is Sora and Riku on a bridge from the city. Roxas posted this one of… I’m not actually sure what that is. But like, you can see what your friends are doing even when you’re far apart. It’s cool.” 

“Where is yours?”

“Oh, uh, I only have like, two pictures. The first one is me and Kairi — I caught her making this hilarious expression — and then Roxas, Xion, and I on the clocktower.”

“Of course.”

“I guess I should post more.” 

“Take a picture now,” Xion suggested. “Of you and Saix.” 

“Only if you’re in it too!” Axel grinned. 

.

Night fell and Axel started a campfire for them. Roxas and Sora were gorging themselves on marshmallows; Kairi and Riku tried playing Chubby Bunny (Riku won since Kairi would have choked due to her uncontrollable giggling). Saix looked drained, so Axel kept trying to find opportunities to leave. Of course he wanted to stay, but he knew Saix likely needed to recharge. This was a massive shift for him. 

They said goodbye and went to the other side of the water. Seconds after their feet touched the shore, Axel yanked Saix’s wrist, pulling him close. Hands shifted down to Saix’s hips. “Hey handsome. Been wanting to kiss you all damn day.”

“Oh?” the other man teased, draping his arms around Axel’s neck. “How dreadful that must have been for you.” 

“You did not help. You had no right being so damn cute,” he scolded. 

“You think I’m cute?”

“I thought that was a given!” Axel argued, the faintest bit of color rising in his cheeks. 

“I, too, thought you were particularly ‘cute’ when you made me lose volleyball.” 

“Hey! I did not!”

Saix calmed him with a peck on his cheek. 

“How are you holding up?” Axel said softly. “I know you’re not exactly an extrovert.”

“I told you once before that the introverted nature doesn’t apply around you.”

The blush returned, deeper this time. “That was a long time ago. I didn’t realize it was still true.”

“Don’t get cocky. I may feel at ease around you, but you are very tiring on a whole different level.”

“Can’t you learn how to compliment someone?” Axel huffed. 

“I can’t help it,” Saix beamed. “You’re just so obnoxious.”

“I’m beginning to reconsider wanting to kiss you.” 

“You still haven’t done it.” 

Axel pressed a tender kiss on his lips, then smacked his lips as if sampling a dish. “Yeah. I still want to.” 

“Lea,” he started, face suddenly falling. “Do you really think they wanted me there?”

He blinked, oblivious. “What are you talking about?”

“I don’t want your friends to keep me around just to be polite,” he said, avoiding eye contact. “I just seem like the odd one out, is all. Like I don’t belong there.”

“Isa,” scolded Axel. “Of course you belong there. You don’t have to question it. They just don’t know you like I do yet, and that’s fine.”

“I don’t think anyone will ever know me like you do.” Saix tried a small smile.

“Yeah, well, that’s why we’re so good together!” He kissed Saix’s forehead. “Come on. You’re tired.”

“Might I have a few minutes to myself?” asked Saix. “I just need to clear my head.”

“‘Course.” Axel slipped out of his embrace, moving toward his residence. “See you in a bit.”

—

“Cil-an-tro.”

“I know what it is, Isa!”

“Paprika?”

“Just grab whatever the fuck you want.” 

Saix repeated the motion of running the back of his finger across Axel’s hand. “Cumin?”

“You aren’t holding my hand until you’re nice to me,” huffed Axel. Saix gave him a puppy-dog look. Axel sighed before lacing his hand in his.

“What sort of things do you want me to make you?” Saix smiled. He tossed a few bottles in Axel’s bag and promptly paid the merchant.

“I’m sure whatever you cook will be fine.” He tugged Saix further into the marketplace.

“I don’t want it to be fine. I want it to be good.”

“You’re so stubborn.”

“With good reason.”

Axel checked his gummiphone, which he had been doing frequently. He slipped it back in his pocket with a sigh. 

“Lea,” Saix coaxed. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Let me help you.”

“It’s not a big deal,” he assured. 

“Then why does it upset you?”

He shook his head. “One of the ‘perks’ of this thing is that the seven of us get sent a message when there’s dangerous levels of heartless in a world.”

Saix blinked, squeezing his hand. “Are one of your friends in trouble?”

“Not yet,” he answered. “But there is an alert for Twilight Town. Roxas and Xion already took it.”

“They’ll be okay, Lea. They’re strong.”

“I know.”

“And if something happens, we’ll go get them.”

“‘We?’ I’m not accepting the other one in fear of you following me,” Axel droned. “You can’t follow me into battle.”

Saix snapped, “why, because I don’t have a keyblade? Neither does that talking duck!” 

“No, because you could get hurt or worse!” he growled. “I refuse to let that happen.” 

“So I’m supposed to just sit on my hands while you go play hero?”

“You’re safer here.”

“Well what about you?”

“I just got you back. I can’t…”

Saix took a breath. “Lea,” he said carefully. “It goes both ways. I’m not defenseless.”

“I know.”

“And we’re stronger as a team.”

“It’s been awhile since we’ve verified that.”

“It’s just a few heartless. We could use the practice. Where’s the other alert?”

“Some world called ‘New Orleans,’” he told. “It’s not a huge threat yet, but they don’t have experience with heartless.”

“Tiana?” Saix recalled.

“Who’s that?”

“We were going to look at her for one of the replacement Princesses of Heart. Never got to it. I don’t know if she is. And they are significant levels of magic coming from that world. I doubt they’re helpless.”

“Is it good magic or bad magic?” he huffed.

“I don’t know.”

Axel looked him over. “Fine. We’ll go. Tomorrow morning. We need the munny anyway.”

Saix rose Axel’s hand to his lips. “You worry too much.”

“You don’t worry enough.”

“If we go, we can eventually afford the fresh seafood.”

“That’s a convincing argument.”

—

The pair went to the beach once more after Saix teased him for being obsessed with it. They were walking along the shore when Axel dragged behind. Saix looked over his shoulder. “What are you—”

_Click._

Saix squinted back at him. “Are you taking pictures of me?”

“Yup!”

“You’re not even going to warn me?”

_Click._ “Nope. It’s artsy this way.”

Saix smirked before running a hand through his hair seductively. “You’re sure no posing?”

_Click._ “I’m not posting that one.” 

“Coward.” 

_Click._

“Lea!”

_Click._

“We should test if that thing is waterproof.”

“Isa noooo!”

—

“Eww! Isa! My boot is stuck!” 

Saix yanked him free. “Did I forget to mention half this world is swamp?”

“You left that out, yeah!” Axel grumbled as they made it to higher land. 

“Come. The heartless can’t be far.”

“We should’ve gone to Twilight Town.” 

“Stop whining.”

Axel sniffed, “can we get ice cream after?” 

“You act as if you’re a toddler.”

“I don’t see magic either. You said there would be, but all I see is mud!”

“Well forgive them for not putting on a light show at your arrival!” He had turned to look back at him. Panicking, he summoned his weapon, striking just to Axel’s left. 

He was about to yell at him until he noticed the shining pink heart float away. “Oh.”

“Don’t you have some magic keyblade crap that helps you sense them?!”

“If I am supposed to, it’s broken!” Axel bickered. “Who knows if I’m even a real keyblade master anyway?”

“What is that supposed to mean?” retorted Saix. Shadows crept at their feet. “We. Are talking about that later! Try not to bring the whole swamp down with your pyrotechnics!”

The first swarm was simple. Minor heartless that, to them, were more pests than an actual challenge. Though Axel wasn’t about to admit it, it felt good fighting alongside Saix. They’d gone on Organization XIII missions together a few times, but any coordination was masked by the lack of communication afterwards. 

Then the leader came. This heartless took a similar appearance to an alligator, but far larger and with twice the legs. “It’s a water elemental,” Saix gasped, searching for Axel at his side. “Lea, be careful!” His claymore pried its mouth open before smacking it back. The heartless roared at Saix.

“Hey!” Axel taunted. “Over here, asshole!” He struck its side and it writhed in pain. Before they could think, the creature slammed the swamp water at their feet, crashing it and its tail at Axel. He flew several feet, smacking into a tree before crippling to the ground.

“Lea?! Are you alright?” called Saix.

No answer.

“LEA!” he screeched. Before he could run to him, the heartless circled in front of Saix. The man gritted his teeth, body trembling beyond his control.

_“I call upon the moon’s pale light!”_

Green eyes were completely overtaken by a radiant yellow. Clouds of darkness danced around the Luna Diviner. He snarled at the beast before striking without mercy.

“Isa!” Axel yelled weakly. “Isa, don’t!”

But he was already too far gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, writing a scene with more than 3 people: ????????????
> 
> i know longer know what im doing. did i ever know what i was doing? i generally don’t write anything but one shots so like, bare with me. yay cliffhanger (kind of) get ready for some avatar state-esque garbage yaaas


	5. Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok this chapter is a bit shorter than the previous ones but i don’t like just sitting on that cliffhanger also the end of it seemed like a good place to end the chapter. whatever its MY fanfic i can do what i WANT. 
> 
> anyway. if you’ve made it this far, i love you. please enjoy.

It didn’t take long for Saix to shred the heartless apart in blind rage. Once he berserked, the heartless had already lost. 

Axel stumbled up, attempting to ignore the pain at his side. There wasn’t a single heartless left, but Axel knew how it was. Saix wouldn’t come down from this easy. Either he was at Xemnas’ beck and call, conditioned to revert at his say so, or he needed to be cut down. Neither were an option. 

Saix appeared to be in some trance, still in the berserked state, hovering over the swamp as if waiting for more prey to even try looking his way.

“Isa,” Axel called, attempting to ignore the pain at his side as he approached. “Isa, it’s Lea. We’re safe now.”

No answer. 

Axel dared to grab his hand, yanking him down. The glowing yellow pierced Axel’s shakey gaze, as if trying to detect whether or not the man was a threat. “It’s me, Isa. I got you.”

He was only met with that angry, blank expression. 

“Don’t… don’t do this to me, Isa,” he begged. Axel cupped his hands around his stoic face, pressing their foreheads together. Axel’s expression twisted, eyes misting over. “I know you’re in there. I don’t want to hurt you. Please don’t make me.”

As nothing in Saix changed, Axel let out a sob that seemed to echo throughout the swamp. 

“I’m fine, damn it!” he trembled against him. “Why would you do this? Why the _fuck_ do I have a keyblade if I can’t even protect you?!”

Axel embraced him tight, sobs racking in his chest.

Then he felt the other man go slack. Saix slowly wrapped his arms around him. “Lea?” he whispered. “Why are you crying?”

Axel jolted back, desperately searching Saix’s eyes. Green. “Oh thank god. Isa!” He pressed against Saix’s mouth, kissing deep. “Wait, no. Fuck you! I…” His weeping picked up again.

Saix adjusted to wipe under his eyes. “You didn’t answer my question,” he said softly. 

“Did you forget you berserked?!” Axel scolded. “Why the fuck would you do that? You might have never come back down!”

He blinked, recalling the situation. “I had to. You got hurt. I needed to protect—” Saix gasped. “You’re hurt! Lea, are you injured? Where is the—”

“I don’t give a fuck about that,” he hissed. “It wasn’t bad enough for you to berserk. You are _not_ doing that again! Ever!”

Saix’s expression hardened. “I would do it again in a heartbeat. So long as it meant your safety.”

Axel shoved him away. “You dense idiot! Xemnas isn’t here to help you control it. You could have been stuck like that! What would I have done then?!”

“I did come down, didn’t I?! I regained myself in _your_ embrace. What happened right before I stopped?” 

Axel shrunk. “I, uh… held you. Tried to talk you out of it.”

Saix sighed. “I remember your voice. That must have been it.”

“Yeah, well. I’m not about to train you like Xemnas did when you were his pet!” Axel spat. 

The other man tensed. “You know I did what I had to.”

“Did you ever think about what that did to me?!” An arm raised to wipe new tears away. “Everyday I had to sit on my ass and watch him take you from me. You think that didn’t hurt?” 

“And you were so much better. You really want to do this again? After everything that we’ve fixed?”

“We’ve got loads of baggage we haven’t unpacked, Isa!”

“Then what? Tell me now,” Saix demanded. “I have done my share of talking about it. If you have something to say, say it. I thought you trusted me now.”

“I do!” he defended.

“Then tell me why you are mad at me.”

“I’m not mad at you, Isa. I just… the second you berserked, I…” He shook his head.

Saix stepped forward, grabbing both of Axel’s hands. “Lea.”

“You admitted you were jealous of me. Well, maybe I was jealous too,” Axel admitted. 

“Why?” Saix said softly.

“Because I missed you. Because you only cared about pleasing our superior and you didn’t care about me,” he trembled. “I wanted my Isa back. So maybe it’s stupid, but when you went berserk, I was afraid my Isa wouldn’t come back.”

Saix kissed right where one of Axel’s marks used to be. “You have the power to calm me. Did I attack you?”

“No.”

“Then there is no reason to be afraid. Even in that state, I know how I feel about you.”

“Still don’t like it.”

“Why don’t we go get that ice cream you wanted?”

.

There was no space between them this time. On the edge of the clocktower, Axel gripped Saix’s hand firmly while leaning against him. Saix kissed him temple and rubbed his thumb against the back of Axel’s hand. “Lea,” he began carefully. “What did you mean when you doubted your keyblade?” 

Axel exhaled. “Do we have to talk about this?”

“No. But it seems unfair to you that I confide in you but you don't confide in me. Though I suppose it’s understandable.” Saix kissed his temple again. “As long as you don’t hold it within you. Have you talked to Kairi about it?”

“No,” he mumbled. 

“Roxas?”

“No one.” 

“You don’t have to talk. But please know that I am here for you,” he whispered. 

Saix felt Axel’s hand tighten its grip. “You remember when Xemnas shattered my keyblade like it was a twig. Though, you were—”

“I recall it, yes.”

“I’m thinking he was right. That I’m just pretending to be a guardian like it’s a game,” he muttered. “After all the shit I did in the Organization, there’s no way I have enough light in me to be a guardian of it.”

“You’ll recall Xehanort had a keyblade,” Saix protested. 

“That’s different,” grumbled Axel.

“Yes. It is different. Because you’re better than him.”

“That doesn’t mean my keyblade isn’t just a lavishly decorated sword.”

“Do you really think Yen Sid and Mickey would go to all that trouble if you weren’t truly a keyblade wielder?” 

Axel hid his face in Saix’s arm. “I don’t know. I can’t do half the fancy shit the others can. They keep saying it’ll come to me, but. It’s probably a load of crap.” 

“You are so worthy of light, Lea,” he whispered. “You deserve your title and much more.” He didn’t respond. “Lea, look at me.”

Saix kissed him tenderly, tasting the sea-salt on his tongue. 

“You know, I think I just want to deserve you,” Axel breathed. 

“You do,” Saix assured. “You deserve better than I.” 

The comment slipped out as if it were common sense. “Isa,” Axel scolded. “Don’t talk like that. I only want you.”

“Then I hope I can be worthy of you.” 

“Isa!” he said again. “You are!” 

Saix sighed. “Well. If we didn’t argue in circles, I’d be afraid something was wrong.”

Axel nuzzled into Saix’s jacket. “I don’t wanna fight.”

He lifted Axel’s hand to press it against his lips. “You know as well as I do this isn’t our fighting.”

“Yeah,” he mumbled. “I know.” 

“There’s no need to be upset. We’re both fine.”

“Just let me mope, would ya?”

“No. I miss your cocky-ass smile.”

The man grumbled into Saix’s arm. “Cheesy piece of shit.” 

Saix huffed. “That’s rich, coming from you.”

“I don’t want to go on missions anymore.”

“Be reasonable.” 

“You be reasonable.”

“The only reason you got hurt was because it was a water elemental to combat your fire,” Saix claimed. 

“No more berserking,” he pouted.

Saix let out an anguished sigh. “I just need another way to come down from it — which is _clearly_ you. And, _again_ , I only did it to protect you. I can control my powers in smaller doses as long as I contain my rage.”

“Well why didn’t you contain it before?” growled Axel. 

“Are you truly that dense? You got hurt. I got angry.”

Axel maneuvered his way under Saix’s arm, who promptly moved to hold Axel’s waist. “I don’t wanna go on missions anymore. I want to sleep and I want you to hold me forever.”

“Practical,” Saix commented, kissing his hairline. 

Suddenly they heard a small gasp, barely audible. They both froze, looking over their shoulders. 

Xion was turning around to leave. 

Axel flew off of Saix, cursing under his breath.

“Xion,” Saix called, “I know you saw.”

Axel flushed. “I’m just gonna sit on the other side of the clocktower.”

“I didn’t know you guys were up here!” she said through a chorus of apologies. “Roxas and I just finished a job here; he’s getting the ice cream. I swear we didn’t see you! I didn’t know you were on a date; I would have given you privacy!”

“Guess the cat is out of the bag,” Axel sighed. “Also this was so not a date.”

“We can go back to Destiny Islands,” Saix told, trying but failing to hide his blush. “We should have done that in the first place.” 

There was a painful pause. “I think you guys are really cute together,” Xion mentioned. The two men looked at her with disbelief. “And I… kind of guessed that you liked each other.”

“Damn it, was it that obvious?” Axel said with a nervous laugh. “Look, Xion. You can’t tell Roxas and them, alright? I don’t know how to explain yet. Honestly, I don’t know how to explain to you.”

She shook her head. “Secret is safe with me. They’ll have to hear it from you.” 

“And you’re not mad?” 

“Why would I be mad?”

“After what I did to you,” Saix added somberly. “How could he be with someone like me.”

“Isa!” Axel scolded, as if that wasn’t the exact reason he asked.

“I trust you, Axel,” said Xion. “If you see good in him, then I need to look for it too. And I have already started to see it.”

Axel beamed up at her. “You’re the best of us.”

Saix was hugging his stomach. “I don’t deserve your kindness.” The phrase hung thick in the air. Saix stood, stepping away from the edge. “I should go. Lea, stay with her.”

“Isa-!”

Before he could flee, Xion hugged him. _Hugged_ him. Unwavering, she rested her head in his chest. 

“Are you ill?” Saix asked, voice shaking. 

“No,” she stated simply. 

Saix cradled her head against him with his hand, the other hugging her back. “Did Axel pay you to do this?”

“No,” she said with a laugh. “You just looked like you needed a hug.”

He backed up, leaning down to her level. “Anything you ever need, ask it, and I will get it for you,” Saix murmured. “Anything.” 

“Okay. Stay with us!” she grinned. 

“You don’t want to demand answers? Hit me?”

“ _I_ want to hit you,” Axel spoke. 

Saix rolled his eyes. “You, I’m ignoring.” 

Xion giggled. “You guys are good for each other. You make each other better.” They both turned a deeper pink. 

“He doesn’t make _me_ better,” Axel teased. 

“Why are you like this?” Saix huffed. 

“Can I braid your hair again?” she asked.

“Ah, good. My hairstylist is back.”

—

Saix needed space. Axel wandered around the shack. Then played with his phone. Then stared at the wall. Then paced some more. 

When Saix finally came back, Axel bounded toward him like an eager puppy. He hugged him tight, kissing his cheek.

“I was gone for ten minutes,” Saix groaned.

“I missed you for ten minutes!” he grinned.

“Uh huh.”

Axel freed him, then kissed the tip of his nose. 

“You’re in a much better mood,” he stated.

“Why aren’t you? Xion knows we’re together and she’s happy. So I’m happy.” 

“She’s a good kid,” he nodded. “Can’t imagine how she turned out that way.”

Axel shrugged. “Even artificial, she comes from good people.” 

“Right,” he sighed. 

“Isa,” Axel cooed, draping his arms over Saix’s shoulders. He nudged his nose on Saix’s cheek. “Can I kiss you?”

“You need not ask,” he whispered.

Axel smiled into a kiss. “I’m so damn lucky.” Another kiss. “My friends are back and my Isa.” A third, longer. But he flinched when Saix took his waist.

Saix blinked, taken back down to earth. “Lea, let me see your side.”

“I’m fine, _Mom._ Stop worrying.” Saix moved to lift his shirt anyway. “You just wanna see me shirtless!”

“I have seen that more times than I can count.” On Axel’s side was an enormous purple, blue, and black bruise. Saix gave him a cold look. “This is the size of my hand.”

“But I’m fine!” he insisted.

“So what you’re saying is if I were to punch it, you would feel nothing?”

“Now let’s not get crazy.”

“So it _does_ hurt to the touch.” 

“It’s not bad, Isa. You could probably just kiss it better,” he smirked. 

There was a mischievous gleam in his eye as Saix knelt. Delicately, he grazed his lips across the wound.

Axel inhaled, unsure what to do with himself. “I didn’t think you’d actually…”

Saix kissed there a second time.

“Isa-!”

A third. “Does it feel better now, Lea?”

“Now you’re just fucking with me.”

“Me?” Saix purred. “Never.” His mouth moved to Axel’s hipbone, glancing up to watch Axel’s reaction.

“That- that’s not injured,” he flushed. 

“But does it make you feel better?” Saix went to his stomach, then tugged at his waistline to kiss his naval. 

“Isa.” A hand brushed back hair the color of the sea just outside their window. 

Saix chuckled. “You _are_ happy to see me.”

“Oh, like that’s my fault!” growled Axel. 

“I’d best kiss that better as well. Don’t you agree?”

Axel’s knees threatened to give out. “You don’t have to, Isa.”

“Oh, but I want to,” he flirted, running his fingers teasingly along fabric. “I think it’s long overdue. Don’t you?”

“Damn it,” he muttered. 

“Unless you don’t want me between your legs. To bring you pleasure.”

“I do,” he said. “Damn it, Isa. Do whatever you want to me.”

“We’ll start with this for today,” hummed Saix. “Come. Go sit on the couch. I’ll take care of you.”

—

Axel knew Saix was exhausted, and of course, wouldn’t admit it. He fell asleep quickly. Axel didn’t, but that meant he got to fawn. 

Slumber was the only time Saix looked truly at peace. Other times, he always seemed to be troubled by something. Axel spent an embarrassing amount of time staring at his expression, absorbing the similarities between now and when they were children with far less problems.

He wanted to kiss his Isa, looking so at peace like this, but he was a light sleeper. Didn’t want to risk it. Saix had already fallen asleep under Axel’s caressing touches, so he continued to drag his fingertips up and down his arm. 

How hard would it be to explain, really? Hey guys. Isa. He’s changed a lot in a very short time. I adore him. We’re together. Got it memorized?

Actually wait. Roxas would probably still think he’s nuts. Of course Roxas is understanding; he’s Sora’s nobody. King of friendship speeches. _The_ Sora. But Saix did mistreat Xion. And Xion was a literal failsafe for Roxas. Meaning the higher-ups didn’t completely trust him. 

Roxas was also one of Axel’s closest friends. Would it truly be fair to keep this from him? It’s not like Axel is ashamed of it. On the contrary. Axel hasn’t felt this good since they were kids. And yeah, that was the last time Isa wasn’t distant. So maybe that meant something more than friendship. Axel sure hoped it did, considering the kissing and the… _treatment_ he had just received. Which, side note, was amazing. And then Axel returned the favor.

Damn it, Saix was gorgeous. Axel knew he had a heart, for it would not leave him alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did ya catch the dont think twice jokes heeheehoohoohee


	6. Balance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm just pulling things out of my ass at this point. but again: thank you for your kind comments and kudos and bookmarks!! you all are the reason i kept going with this!!

Yes, Lea was a heavy sleeper. But apparently not heavy enough. 

Saix woke from another nightmare and made the mistake of moving to go get air. He didn’t even make it off the bed. The rustling woke Axel. “Isa?” he mumbled, sleep still heavy in his voice. “Isa, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, Lea,” he whispered. “Go back to bed.”

“No. Come here. You’re shaking.” Axel adjusted to grab his hand. “Was it a nightmare?”

“Yes. Nothing to concern yourself over.” He tried an unconvincing smile. 

Axel tugged his hand. “Come here. Let me hold you. Please.”

Saix obliged, moving back under the covers to snuggle against Axel. He let out a shaky sigh, attempting to relax.

“Have you been having nightmares often?” Axel asked, stroking Saix’s hair. 

“Yeah,” Saix muttered. 

“Isa,” he breathed. “You should have woke me up.” 

“Don’t be ridiculous. I am fine.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

Silence hung in the air. “He killed you.” 

“He?”

“Xemnas. Made you bleed like my scar. Then slit your throat. The whole time I tried to reach you. But I couldn’t.”

“Isa,” Axel cooed, pressing him against his chest tighter. “He’s gone. I’m right here, baby. It was just a dream.” 

“Since when are we using pet names?” Saix trembled.

“Shut up; I’m tired.”

“I, um. I might like it. But you still should be asleep.”

“I had nightmares too. When I first reformed. They were fucking torture. I don’t want you to feel the same.”

“I’m being childish and idiotic,” he muttered. “I know you’re fine. And I know he’s gone. But these fucking emotions…”

“I know, Isa. I know. He’s lucky he’s already dead, ‘cause if he wasn’t, I’d rip him apart myself.” 

“Early on, I… He’d threaten me. Using you as leverage,” Saix admitted. 

“Wait, what?” gasped Axel. 

“Xemnas knew I was attached to you. Because of our somebodies. So he said he’d hurt you if I didn’t become what he wanted. By the time I did, it didn’t matter anymore. I barely felt. Soon, you had Roxas. Then Xion. Not that we could have fixed us then. Not that the Superior would have let me.”

“Isa, I…”

“That was in addition to him already mentally harming me. Sorry. I don’t know why I’m telling you this.”

“Don’t apologize,” he hushed. “I love when you talk to me.” 

“You always did love attention.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I know I’ve said this, but it doesn’t seem sufficient.”

“I just want to be with you now,” he breathed. “We need to stop wasting time with ‘what ifs.’”

“Hear you loud and clear.” Axel kissed his forehead. “But we should still discuss if something is bothering us.”

“Communication is something we’ve been lacking for years.”

—

Saix was up and in the shower long before Axel even got out of bed. He was taking little sips of his tea when Saix came into the kitchen. He must have found a hair tie; his hair was pulled up into a ponytail that, admittedly, made Axel’s heart skip a beat. He also stole one of Axel’s black tank tops, which did not help at all. 

“Hey,” Axel said with a dumb grin plastered on his face. “Love the hair.”

“Do you?” he purred. Saix approached to place a quick peck on his lips. “How’s your bruise?”

“It’s better,” he assured.

“Good.” 

Axel smirked, tilting Saix’s chin up. “You worrying about me now?”

“I always worry about you,” he hummed. “It’s so easy. You’re just so dumb.”

He slid his mug on the counter so he could grab Saix’s hips. “You wound me.”

“Uh huh.” Saix stepped out of his embrace. 

“Babe,” whined Axel. “You can’t wear my clothes and not let me touch.”

“You’ll survive. I assure you. I’m going for a walk. Maybe if you ask nicely, I’ll kiss you before I leave.”

Axel pouted playfully. “With tongue?”

Saix suppressed a smile. “You are unbearable.”

“Isa, please? I’ll be your best friend!”

“You _are_ my best friend.”

“You really want to leave me here with nothing?”

“I hate you,” he grinned. “Come here, then. Kiss me goodbye.”

Axel hopped over to him, pulling him into a deep kiss. 

“Satisfied?” he teased, catching his breath.

“For now. Come back quick.”

Saix smiled as he stepped out the door.

The second the door closed, Axel scrambled to his gummiphone. Scrolling frantically, he searched for Kairi’s contact, praying he remembered how to do this correctly. 

She popped up on his screen. _“Hi, Axel!”_

“Kairi! I have so much to tell you!” he exclaimed.

_“Axel, pull the phone back. I can see up your nose. What did you want to talk about? Everything okay?”_

“Yeah. I thought you were supposed to be my wingman— girl. So I thought I’d catch you up on the Hot Goss.” 

She giggled. _“Did something happen? Did you tell Saix how you feel?”_

“I did,” Axel stated proudly. 

_“Looks like he must have taken it well!”_

“Yeah. It was before we met with Sora and Riku, actually.”

_“How dare you not call me immediately,”_ she joked. 

“A lot had happened these last few days,” he shrugged. 

_“Well tell me now! Everything!”_

“Well, uh. I confessed. And we kissed. A lot. And then we cuddled. A lot.”

_“Aww. Anything else?”_

“Uh, well. Last night we—” He flushed. “Actually, I shouldn’t tell you that.”

Kairi gasped. _“Axel! You sly thing! Good for you!”_

“It- it wasn’t anything… a _lot_ , just like… holy shit, nevermind.”

_“Oh my god! I’m so proud of you!”_

“Thanks?” He rubbed the back of his neck. “That’s not what I wanted to talk about. Do you remember when we fought Saix and he did that moon thing? Like he got all angry and twitchy?”

_“Yeah?”_

“We went on a mission yesterday and I got hurt. Not too bad, before you ask. But Isa thought…well,” he frowned. “He berserked. That’s what it’s called. It scared the crap out of me. Not like that he could do it, but like that I thought he wasn’t gonna stop.”

_”I’m so sorry. But he’s okay now?”_

“Yes, he’s fine. He went for a walk. The point is, I think we need training or something. Didn’t you say Sora, Donald, and Goofy had like, moves they could use together?”

_”Yes. He can do things with Riku too,”_ she nodded. _”I don’t really know how they do it. I’m new to this, remember. I guess you could ask Sora.”_

“I guess,” he huffed. “Thanks, Kairi. Oh, and don’t go around telling people about Isa and I. I need them to hear it from me.”

She made a zipping motion across her lips. 

—

Saix did come back. Axel greeted him with the rapid insistence that they go somewhere, but he wouldn’t tell him where. Saix blindly followed. He’d never do that as Number VII, but the Isa was shining through.

Apparently Axel still had access to the forest he and Kairi would train in. Axel took Saix to the cliff they’d go to in downtime. The forest was appealing itself, Saix noted, but the view here was something else. 

Axel sat on a log, gesturing for Saix to come next to him. 

Saix spoke after a moment of peace. “Lea. Why did you bring me here?”

“To get out of that shack,” he shrugged. 

“Fair enough.” 

He took a breath. “Supposedly time doesn’t matter here. Don’t think that’s true though. I stopped trying to think about it.” 

“Time is a construct,” Saix said grimly. “It doesn’t matter anywhere.” 

“Hey, now! Just spitting back what Merlin told me!” 

“Merlin?”

“He’s uh, like a mage. Wizard. Friends with Sora and them,” he told. “He showed Kairi and I this place so we could be secluded while we trained.” 

“Calm before the storm.”

“Yeah.”

“It is pretty, Lea.” 

Axel cleared his throat. “Uh, Isa?” 

“Hmm?”

“I think _we_ should train.”

Saix tilted his head. “You’re still worried about the incident. Mind you, ‘incident’ is overstating it.”

“Some of the guardians can combine their strength to make really powerful attacks,” he continued. “It’s probably another fluffy friendship-power speech, but. It does get results.”

“I’m not a guardian, Lea,” he reminded. “I am not capable of—”

“Just…” Axel summoned his keyblade. “Just humor me, Isa.”

Saix raised an eyebrow.

“Put your hand over mine.”

Saix listened, humoring him. They both no longer covered their hands with black gloves. Axel sometimes caught himself lingering at the sensation of skin against skin, and now was certainly no exception. “What am I supposed to do now?” Saix mumbled. 

“I don’t know,” admitted Axel. “I’m gonna… I’m gonna concentrate on you.” His eyes pierced Saix’s. “How much I want you to be safe.”

As Saix blushed heavily, the keyblade glowed under their touch.

“Hey!” Axel exclaimed. “Magic keyblade bullshit!”

“Maybe we can ask your… wizard friends what this means.”

“Fire is kind of like the sun,” Axel thought aloud. “And you’re the moon. Making us…”

“Opposites?”

“No! A pair!”

“Well. We are different. In some ways.”

“But not all of them.”

“Balance,” Saix murmured. “The sun and the moon… balance each other.”

“Maybe that’s it,” Axel beamed. “Balance.” The keyblade shone just a little brighter. “It’s working; keep being a cheesy shit!”

“You give me… strength. No, more than that. Will.” He nearly stopped himself out of sheer embarrassment before they felt the keyblade react. He stared intensely at a nearby bush. “You give me the willpower to atone. To change out of what I was molded into. Lea, I…”

Before Saix could admit anything more, a flash of light burst from the keyblade. Without knowing what was happening, the bush Saix was staring down caught on fire. Axel scrambled to put it out, keyblade vanishing. “Damn, Isa. What did the bush ever do to you?”

“It heard my vulnerability,” he stammered. “Wait. You mean I did that?”

“I think ‘we?’ Who knows.”

“I am through with your silly game,” he spat. “You’re making your weapon do that so you could get me to say stupid shit!”

“Isa, hey! Calm down,” he hushed, kneeling in front of him, placing a hand over Saix’s clenched fist. “I’m sorry. I swear that wasn’t me doing that. We don’t have to do it anymore. We’ll get someone to help us figure out the cooperative attacks.”

“So I can be weak in front of someone else?!”

“Breathe. Breathe with me, Isa.”

“Why are you treating me like some foolish child?!”

“I’m not,” Axel told calmly. “I just don’t want this to be berserk training too. You’ve got flecks of gold in your eyes.”

Saix blinked, noticing how his hands were trembling. He breathed as Axel instructed. “Forgive me, Lea.”

“You got nothing to be sorry about,” he coaxed. “Everything is my fault.”

“No. Perhaps I overreacted.”

“Don’t talk. Just breathe.”

“I’m fine, Lea. I am in control.”

Axel studied his gaze. “Isa. It’s okay to be weak with me. Remember? I know you’re still getting used to it.”

Saix slipped his hand out to caress Axel’s cheek, pressing his thumb on the absent mark. “Balance,” he breathed. “The sun and the moon.”

“Yeah,” Axel encouraged, even though he didn’t really read his thoughts. 

His thumb moved to Axel’s bottom lip, tracing. “If I haven’t ruined the mood with my tantrum, I might like to kiss you.”

Axel rose, granting his wish on the way up. “Isa,” he started after breaking. “I didn’t bring you here to train.”

“Then why did you?” whispered Saix. 

Axel sat back on his side. “Got something I wanna ask you. But it might be weird,” he admitted. “And you can tell me if it’s weird.” 

“Most everything you say is weird. Won’t scare me away.”

“Would you, uh…” He trailed off, losing his usual air of confidence.

“Yes, Lea?” Saix encouraged.

“Would you want to be my boyfriend?” He gave him a sheepish look. 

Saix blinked. “I, uh. Were we not… boyfriends already?”

“I mean like, official. Official boyfriends,” he stammered. “We kiss and cuddle and flirt and stuff, but we never put a label on it.”

“I didn’t think it needed a label,” admitted Saix. 

“So no then?”

“No. Yes. I will be. Your boyfriend.” The word felt funny on his tongue. 

Axel perked up. “You wanna? Really?”

“Yes,” he laughed. 

“Even after…?”

“Yes!”

“You didn’t even hear what I was gonna say!”

“It doesn’t matter. The answer is the same.”

“That means we can do dating stuff!” he said eagerly, nudging Saix’s side with his. 

“Oh?”

“Like dates,” smirked Axel. 

“Ah. Is this a date then?” Saix teased. “Looking over a cliffside upon a romantic scenery?”

“It could be. If you wanted.”

“Seems an appropriate thing to do with my boyfriend.”

Axel beamed, smiling a contagious smile. 

“What?”

“You called me your boyfriend.”

“Is that not what we just established?”

“I like it when you say it.” He leaned over to kiss Saix’s cheek. 

“There’s more,” Saix hummed. “What is it, Lea?”

“Wow, you’re good,” he stated. 

“I simply know you.”

“Right.” He took a breath. “Official boyfriends… as in, I can tell people I have a boyfriend. You.”

“You want to tell your friends?” he shrunk. “Are you sure that is wise?”

“Babe.” He smirked, “you see, pet name? Like dating?”

“Lea.”

“I’m not ashamed to be with you. At all, Isa. I want the world to know I’m your man.”

“You do?” he said, flustered. 

“But if you’re not ready, I won’t.”

“No, I… I just haven’t grasped that you’d want to… flaunt _me._ ”

“What’s not to get?” he questioned. 

“I haven’t earned that,” Saix muttered. 

“Bullshit,” he shrugged. “You don’t believe what I feel? Whatever. _I_ know. And you can’t change that.”

“Stubborn.”

Axel moved, nuzzling the tip of his nose along Saix’s ear. “But you like it.”

“Do I?” he huffed. 

“Would you be here otherwise?”

“I suppose not.”

“So. Since you’re my boyfriend,” whispered Axel, “that explains why you keep stealing my clothes.”

“The pants aren’t yours,” Saix argued. “We bought them, remember?”

“How could I forget? Your ass looks so good in them.” He teethed on his earlobe.

A chill shot through Saix, goosebumps running along him arms. “You have no shame,” he told Axel. 

“If I agree with you, will you make out with me?”

Saix rolled his eyes as he laughed. “I suppose you want touch. Since you like my ass so much.”

“Oh, hell yeah.”

Saix stood, moving to sit on his lap. “Then touch.”

—

[Strength to protect what matters -Riku]

Axel stared at the text for far longer than necessary. Kairi was certainly behind this. There’s a hundred things that could mean. He didn’t know what to reply with.

“What are you looking at?” Saix said, appearing over his shoulder from behind the couch. 

“N-Nothing,” he stammered, unsure way it embarrassed him so. The screen shifted to the main screen. “Just boring keyblade crap.”

Saix flushed. “Is… is that the picture you took of me on the beach?” Behind the apps was the seductive pose he had teased. “You said you wouldn’t post it!”

“I didn’t!” defended Axel. “Only I can see it! It’s like… um… a book cover. Or choosing wallpaper. But only for this gummiphone.”

“And you picked that?! Why?”

“You look hot,” he grumbled. 

“Oh you’re impossible!” Saix fumed, storming away, trying to contain his pounding heartbeat.

—

There was a knock at the door. Saix tensed.

“Can you get it?!” Axel called from his bedroom. Closing his book, Saix cracked the door open.

Roxas was wearing his Twilight Town outfit and Xion was in a greyscale plaid sundress. Saix blinked down at them. “H-Hello.”

“Are you ready?” questioned Roxas. 

“For…?”

“Axel didn’t tell you?”

He walked out of his room on cue. “Must have slipped my mind.”

“You did it on purpose,” Saix growled. 

“Do you want to come to the clocktower with us and get ice cream?” Xion asked -- so innocently that Saix couldn’t stay irritated. 

“As if he has a choice,” said Axel. 

.

Saix insisted he would buy. It was just the three of them, as it was before. Axel knew if he was gonna act, it had to be now. It was best if Saix wasn’t there. It was something he needed to tell Roxas himself, and this way he wouldn’t be hesitant to protest if he were in front of Saix. 

“Uh, Roxas,” he started. “I need to confess something.”

Roxas tilted his head slightly. “Sure.” Xion perked up with interest.

“I don’t know how to say this, so… guess I’ll just be straightforward.” Axel rubbed the back of his neck. “Isa and I… I mean, Saix. Saix is my… boyfriend. Dating. We’re dating.”

Roxas looked to Xion. “You knew?”

She nodded. 

“Okay,” Roxas shrugged.

“‘Okay?’” he scoffed. “That’s it? You’re not gonna call me a moron or something?”

“It’s not even that different, Axel. The big step was having him on our side. _That_ was weird. You already trust him and care about him. He was and is still living _in your house._ Now you’re just kissing too. Among other things, likely.”

“Roxas, look at him. His face is the same as his hair,” Xion giggled.

“It is not!” Axel spat. Then they were both laughing at him. 

“And it’s not like you guys didn’t have crazy sexual tension in the organization,” Roxas continued. 

“Holy shit; we so did not!”

“You _so_ did.”

_“Roxas!”_


	7. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a confession to make. i totally forgot that sora just poofs out of existence in the end cutscene. i guess i was just too focused on isa and lea. i am embarrassment. however im too far in so maybe ill fix it maybe i won't maybe i just do not care. anyway here is an update. you owe this update to my bff corporalsassy, who gave me ideas and motivation and will probably continue to do so until i decide this has gone on long enough. 
> 
> as always, thank you so much for reading and i hope you enjoy!

“Again.”

“Why?!”

“I said, _again.”_

Axel growled, picking himself up out of the water. Keyblade ready, he charged at Saix. The keyblade bounced off of his claymore. A tide smacked Axel back on the ground with a splash. 

“Again.”

“This is fucking pointless!” barked Axel. “We both know I couldn’t beat you even without the moon right above you!” 

“It is training,” Saix stated simply. “That is the point.” 

“Look. If you’re pissed at me, there are other ways of solving it. Like, I don’t know. _Talking?!”_

“I’m not. We are training. Because I believe you can overcome the disadvantages, Lea.” Axel failed to catch the tenderness in his voice. 

“I can’t! I’m not as strong as you. Not with my chakrams, and not with this fucking keyblade!”

The claymore disappeared. “Then come at me with nothing.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“Do it.”

Baring his teeth, Axel came at him again. He managed to land a hit across Saix’s cheek before attempting to kick him. The tide made him lose his balance, Axel ending up on his back. Saix pinned him down between his legs.

“Again, Lea.”

“No!” he spat. “You must be pissed! What did I do?!”

“Nothing,” Saix assured. “I am simply avoiding a repeat of New Orleans.”

“I won’t get any tougher, Isa!” He folded his arms over his eyes. “There isn’t anything more in me. Nothing special. Xemnas was right about me. So stop trying to make me into something I’m not!”

Saix sighed, his gentle touch grazing Axel’s arm. “Lea, look at me.” 

“No.” 

“Lea. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset.” 

“Yeah, well, you did!” Axel finally moved his arms, revealing misted eyes. 

“You don’t believe what Xemnas said. He’s not above you. You said it yourself.”

“He can be a dick and still be right,” muttered Axel. 

“So, by that logic, he was right about me?” challenged Saix. “That I am only fit to serve Xehanort’s purpose? That of the Organization?”

“Shut up, Isa. You know that’s not what I meant.”

“Then why are you holding yourself to the same standard when you have tried so hard to get me to see otherwise?”

“It’s not the same,” he grumbled. 

“Didn’t we promise to be honest with each other?” Saix hushed. “Lea, did you take what he said to heart?”

“Well, it’s all right there, backed by evidence. Isn’t it?” A tear rolled down to the sand. “I couldn’t beat him or you by myself. I can’t do shit by myself!”

“I recall you tearing down the machinations within Castle Oblivion single handedly,” Saix argued. 

“Sora and Riku—”

“You pulled the strings.”

“And nobody thanked me, so—”

“I should have. And who gives a damn if you need help? Why does it matter? Haven’t you been trying to convince me to open myself to others? Did Sora do it all without Donald and Goofy? Is he weak?”

“Shut up, Isa,” he hiccuped. “It’s not the same.”

“Why not?” Saix grabbed Axel’s wrists, holding them above his head. “You overcame all the shit that has happened to you _because_ you relied on others. I didn’t, and I got stuck dying for Xemnas.”

“I just want to be able to protect you,” he confessed. “If something happens, and I can’t even do that, what’s the point?”

“You will. I believe that,” Saix whispered. “You’re so much stronger than you realize.” He leaned down to press a kiss on Axel’s forehead. 

“Are you saying that just to get me to stop whining?” he said, a smile creeping on his lips. 

“Absolutely,” he teased. 

“You’re such a dick,” Axel grinned.

“And you’re a brat.” Saix met his lips. 

Axel complained when he pulled away. “Isa, nobody else is here! You can’t just set that up and quit!”

He pressed two fingers to his lips. “As I said. A brat.” Axel licked his fingers. “You act as if that would phase me. Your saliva has been on far more intimate areas.”

“You make it sound nasty.”

“So you would not want me to kiss you again?” smirked Saix. “‘With tongue?’” 

“Baby,” he pouted. 

Saix kissed him once more. “It seems I cannot stay away from you. We do not have to continue sparring.”

“Because you want to make out with me?”

“Anything to shut you up.”

—

After struggling to convince Axel, Roxas, and Xion to do something other than eat ice cream, Saix and the trio planned to walk through Twilight Town instead. Shockingly, there were more wares than just ice cream. Axel mentioned they had a bit more munny now, and even if they didn’t they could still just browse. Currently Xion and Roxas were trying on colorful hats in the hat shop, giggling. Saix’s expression morphed into something bittersweet.

Axel nudged him. “Isa,” he whispered. “You good?”

“Yes,” he hummed. “Sorry. It’s just been… a very long time since I have felt like there was an opportunity to relax. And these two… they never had…” 

“I know,” Axel frowned. “But they’re acting like kids now. That’s what we have to focus on.”

“But… I am responsible for it.”

“No you’re not. Roxas is separate from Sora now. Xion was never supposed to exist. This is their second chance.”

“They’re so lucky to have you,” Saix mumbled. “Their number one uncle.”

“Axel,” Roxas called, “Do you ever get sad because you can’t wear hats?”

“Wh—“ Axel stammered, “You don’t know that!” Saix laughed to himself.

“Your hair is too big,” argued Roxas. “You’d poke holes in it.” 

“I managed to wear the Organization hood! That is proof!”

“No it isn’t.”

“Can we go? Are you two done annoying the shopkeep?!”

Xion flushed. “Are we being too loud?”

“No. You are fine,” assured Saix. “Come along, Xion. I saw a bookstore. Somehow I feel you are the only one here who might appreciate it with me.”

She perked up. “Bookstore? I’ve never been to one.” 

“I know. But I think you’ll enjoy it.”

.

Saix and Xion escaped Axel and Roxas’ puppet show in the children’s section, Saix wasn’t ready to get kicked out because if Axel’s shenanigans. It was far more entertaining to watch Xion explore. “There’s so many!” she whispered. 

“Did you know a Princess of Heart has a book collection triple this size?” Saix said, grasping at conversion topics. “Remember Beast’s Castle?”

Xion blinked. “In that creepy castle?” 

“Is that so surprising?”

“I wonder if the heartless damaged the books.” 

Saix frowned. “I don’t know.” 

“Ooh!” She flipped open a colorful book. “Half cup sugar. Half cup brown sugar. Uh. What kind of story is this?”

“That’s a cookbook. Not a storybook,” Saix told, suppressing a smile. “It has recipes. Not stories.”

“Oh. Well I don’t know anything about cooking.” She shut it promptly. “I remember you cooking. In the castle.”

“Well,” he flushed. “I needed more than destroying heartless to keep myself occupied.”

“Do you, um, still like to cook?”

“Yes. I do. I cook for Axel sometimes, since he is terrible at it.” He encouraged her to the direction of the young adult novels, where she studied cover after cover.

Xion stopped for a moment, making eye contact with Saix. “Do you mind if I ask you questions?”

“Not at all.”

“Even about before?”

Saix paused. “Go ahead.”

“Did you and Axel do this stuff when you were kids? Shopping and exploring?”

“Kind of,” he hummed. “We didn’t have much in terms of munny. Lea would sit with me while I read books. He was bored out of his mind but he insisted.”

“He’s a good friend,” commented Xion.

“Yes,” he agreed. “I was lucky to have him.”

“It’s hard to believe, since in Organization XIII, you…” she frowned. “I’m glad you worked things out.”

“As am I.” He cleared his throat. “You’ve been lingering on that book for some time now. Would you like me to get it for you?”

“No! No, I couldn’t possibly,” she said, flustered. “Don’t spend munny on me.”

“Are you certain? I don’t mind.”

“Maybe next time,” she grinned politely. “I have another question. But you have to tell me if it makes you uncomfortable. You don’t have to answer.”

“I don’t mind, Xion.”

“You said… you said that you were jealous of Axel making new friends when you…” She clamped her mouth shut. “Did you… did you have feelings for him then? In the Organization?”

“That’s complicated,” he sighed. “I resented him, but my last memories as Isa was wanting to be with him. Romantically. I had to swallow it. It was masked by my anger.”

“And you… hated me more?” she shrunk. “For taking your love away?”

“Xion,” Saix coaxed, a sinking feeling in his chest. “Do not blame yourself for my spite. You didn’t do anything wrong. I pushed him away.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Do not apologize.”

She picked at her fingernail. “You’ve really changed.”

“I… hope so.”

Suddenly they heard scurred feet racing toward them. Axel and Roxas scampered toward the two, gummiphone in hand. “Xion!” Roxas started.

“Calm down!” she hushed. “What is it?”

“It’s Namine!” he beamed. “She’s awake!”

“Kairi and Riku are bringing her back to Destiny Islands,” added Axel. “Isa, we gotta go.”

“Then go,” he urged. “I will catch up with you later.”

“You’re not coming?” he pouted. 

“No. She doesn’t need to see me right now. She barely knows me, and what she knows is all bad. Go to her. I’ll meet you back at your place.”

“Alright, fine. Roxas, Xion, come on!”

They hurried out in seconds. Saix picked up the book Xion was holding.

\--

This was something Saix would be embarrassed about later. For now, he let himself cuddle Axel’s shirt, breathing in his scent until he could be comforted by the authentic source. It was all he could do to keep his thoughts from overtaking him. 

They had really left at an inopportune time. His raw conversation with Xion started making him overthink after the fact. He wasn’t lying; he didn’t mind telling Xion anything she wanted to know. But he couldn’t help it. And now they’d been gone for hours, and Saix was running out of things to distract him. He selfishly wanted his Lea. So he waited. 

Finally, he heard the door open. Saix threw the shirt across the bedroom and got up to greet him. Attempting to play it cool was thrown out the window when after saying hello, Axel asked Saix if he was alright. 

He didn’t say anything, just moved to embrace Axel tight. “How’s Namine?” he tried. “Everything went well, I hope?”

“Isa, what is it?” Axel ran his hand through blue locks soothingly. “You tell me that first. _Then_ you can ask about Namine.”

“Nothing. I’m just being idiotic,” insisted Saix, poorly hiding the tremble in his voice. “It is literally nothing to be concerned about.”

“Yet you are concerned about it so I’m concerned about it.” Axel squeezed him tighter. “I’m here for you, Isa.”

“I hate this feeling,” he hissed into Axel’s shoulder. “I hate being weak. Everything has changed, and I am still stuck in the past!”

Axel backed up so he could kiss Saix’s forehead. “Whatever it is, I’m sure it isn’t stupid like you say.”

“I was alone and thinking too damn much,” told Saix, voice wavering. “I was thinking about Xemnas again. I was thinking about how I treated Xion. How I treated you.”

“That isn’t idiotic,” Axel hushed. “You think I don’t think about it too?”

“I don’t want to think about it!” Saix growled. “I don’t want to think that I need Xemnas to be worth something. I’m acting like… like I miss him, when I don’t! I’m terrified of him! I want to be with you!” Saix quickly blushed as the confession left his lips. 

“I… I get it; he was such a big part of your life and suddenly it is gone--”

“No, shut up for a second.” Saix stepped back, running his hand through his hair. “Lea, I don’t know why I keep thinking about him when I’m not thinking about you. I want to think about you. It’s always been constant thinking about how to please Xemnas and then your stupid face slithering into my thoughts; now it’s the other way around!”

“You… think about me?”

“Wipe that smirk off your face, Lea. I’m trying to open up to you.”

Axel shook his head. “It’s alright. You are in no way idiotic for being anxious about this. Anyone would if they were treated the way Xemnas treated you.”

“Then why do I deserve a second chance?” he hissed. “How come everyone else was taken down and I suddenly get to eat ice cream while the sun sets?!”

“I could be asking the same thing about myself.” 

“You are so full of light and I am not,” he protested. “And here I am, bitching about my feelings, when today was supposed to be a happy reunion for you!”

“I’m not truly happy if you’re upset, moonlight.”

Saix flinched. “What the hell did you just call me?”

Axel laughed. “I just wanted to catch you off guard.”

“You’re such an ass.”

“There he is!” He gestured for Saix to embrace him again, which he did quickly.

“Another confession,” Saix muttered. “You never fail to calm me down.”

“Yeah, I’m talented.”

“Are you tired?” he continued. “I want to hold you as you fall asleep.”

“Well, that sounds pretty good right about now,” Axel purred. “It’s been a long day.”

“You will tell me of Namine while we settle in,” Saix instructed. 

“Wait.”

“What?”

Axel adjusted, moving to kiss him tenderly. 

.

Axel was already in bed waiting when Saix entered. He threw his weight on top of Axel, who responded with a grunt followed by a laugh. Saix clung tightly onto him, breathing choppy. A hand moved to rub circles into Saix’s back. He relaxed, melting into Axel’s touch. 

“I apologize for acting like this.” he whispered. 

“Isa,” he corrected, “there’s nothing to apologize for.” 

“There is. I—”

“Has it occurred to you that I _want_ you to tell me what you’re feeling?” Axel chuckled. 

He flushed. “Not really.”

“Let’s dwell on something else,” Axel hummed. “Let’s think about… all the shit we couldn’t do before that we could do now.”

Saix propped himself up so he could raise an eyebrow at Axel.

“We can go anywhere we want,” started Axel. “We don’t need a reason.” A hand reached up to push stray blue hairs behind Saix’s ear. “We don’t have to harass a princess; we can attend her ball. Make you slow dance with me. Eat all the appetizers.”

“Let’s overthrow the monarchy while we’re at it,” smirked Saix. 

“You wanna be a king now?” he huffed. 

“I was thinking democracy, actually.” He ran the back of his fingers across Axel’s cheek. “But perhaps. If you were my king.”

“I-I wouldn’t be a good ruler,” Axel stammered. 

“Oh, no. You’d just be there to look pretty. I’d do the ruling.”

“Should I be offended or flattered that you think I’m pretty?”

“I don’t know, Lea,” he hummed. A thumb dragged against Axel’s bottom lip. “Pick one.”

“Isa.”

“What I can do now, that I couldn’t before,” whispered Saix, “is touch you. Intimately. Feel your lips against mine. Know every inch of you. Tell you how much I… how much you mean to me.” He leaned down, replacing his thumb with his lips before Axel could investigate that phrase.

“Isa,” Axel smiled, gazing lovingly up at green eyes. “You’re so cheesy.”

“I don’t know. I think I’m a heartthrob,” he joked, making Axel’s smile widen. 

“We could…. we could go to the Caribbean and be pirates,” Axel continued.

“Like Luxord?” Saix snorted. 

Axel chuckled. “I call captain.”

“No! I would _so_ be captain! You just said you can’t rule.”

“Oh, that’s different!”

Saix rested his forehead against Axel’s. “When we were little, you wanted to travel everywhere. Meet all sorts of people.”

“I’m too lazy for it now,” Axel shrugged. “Besides. I’d only go if you went with me. You wanted to go to space. Let’s get a gummiship.” 

“I’m tired, Lea,” he mumbled. “But I aim to stay at your side.”

"Well, I want you there. So it works out. Wherever you wanna go."

"I don't mind where. Just as long as..." He took a breath.

Axel tilted his head. "As what?"

"No, it's stupid."

_"Isa."_

Saix sighed. "As long as... you are there. I've been thinking about it. How you are home to me."

Axel blinked in shock before pulling Saix down in his embrace, refusing to let go.


	8. X

_Red trickled over the perfect white marble, painting splattered imperfections. Imperfection was what made the splatter. Above, VIII could have shattered the arm of his white throne with the sheer force he clenched it with. VII hardly even flinched when the twin luminescent red blades cut open the skin on his nose and cheeks. Saix could taste blood, not from this new wound, no. From biting his cheek so hard to stop himself from crying out._

_The Superior cupped the Diviner’s chin in his hand, forcing eye contact. “Now, should you look in the mirror, you’ll never forget who you belong to. And when the devout brothers and sisters of Organization XIII glance your way, they will remember not to disobey me.” A choking silence filled the air. Xemnas was the only voice that would dare speak. “What is your name?”_

_“Saix,” he breathed._

_“Good. You’d do well to abandon your weaker-self’s name.” A member shifted in their seat._

_“Yes, Superior.”_

_“Now that the Organization has seen you bleed…” Xemnas dropped his chin. “You will come with me. To my quarters. There is much to discuss.”_

_“Yes, Superior.”_

_._

_“Isa!” VIII gasped, nearly tripping over himself to get down the hall._

_“Don’t call me that,” VII hushed, striding passed him._

_“Hey, no. Wait. Come here!” Axel grabbed his wrist. He halted, but didn’t face him. “Isa, I’m sorry. It’s my fault Xemnas—”_

_“My name is Saix!” he snapped. “It was not just your fault. I was the one who needed to be punished. I am weak. I need to be better.”_

_“You’re perfect. Shut up.”_

_“And what is your definition of perfect, hmm?” He finally faced him as he reclaimed his wrist. “Because I’m not my definition. Nor are you.”_

_“No one is!”_

_“The Superior is. You need to learn that immediately.”_

_“No, he isn’t!”_

_“He has mastered the gift we have been given! The inability to feel. That blessing.”_

_“Isa, tell me what he did to you,” Axel begged, cupping his cheeks, running his thumbs below the scarring flesh. Saix froze in place. “Stop being so fucking stubborn and let me in.”_

_He could have swore he heard ‘Lea’ muttered under his breath. Then he shoved him. “And why the hell would I do that?!” Saix barked. “We are no longer children. We are part of something greater. We cannot let our pretend feelings get in the way of that.”_

_“Pretend?!” Axel hissed. “So what we had means nothing to you?! Now that you are Xemnas’ lap dog, who the fuck cares about that, right?”_

_“You are out of line.”_

_“‘Out of line?’ Me? Out of what line, Isa?!”_

_“All of them.”_

_“God. I didn’t realize I will be constantly in the wrong if I’m not sucking Xemnas’ dick. My apologies.”_

_“I am done trying to reason with you,” Saix droned, turning on his heel. “Return to your quarters, VIII.”_

_“You don’t get to bark orders at me!” he roared._

_“The marks under your eyes must be broken.”_

_“Fuck you, asshole!”_

_“It’s ‘Saix.’”_

—

There was a large number ‘X’ marks in the sand as a result of Saix’s stick. Not that he could get an accurate count now, as most of them were taken away with Saix’s tide. The sun would rise in a couple of hours and his game would be over, as Saix was not nearly as strong without the moon. 

He heard footsteps approach; before panicking, he turned to the source. It was Lea, as he probably should have expected. Saix spoke first. “Are you incapable of staying in bed if you aren’t being spooned?”

Axel flipped him off. “Forgive me for worrying, asshole. Maybe Kairi has a point. If you had a gummiphone, I could just text you.”

“You keyblade wielders and your gummiphones.”

Axel was close now, but clearly making a point not to touch Saix. “Are you okay?” he asked, quieter. “Your art is… intriguing.” Axel gestured to the sand. 

Saix flushed. “That. Hmm. It’s… nothing to concern yourself over.”

“You good, Isa?” he repeated. “You need to talk?”

“No, I don’t think so. I just need time to myself.”

“Okay.” Axel nodded. “I’ll go back. Let me know if you need anything.”

He turned; Saix watched as he walked away. “Lea, I—” He said it too quiet. It went unheard. Fingers pressed against scarred skin, tracing. Feeling was supposed to be simple. Right?

—

Axel returned to a shirtless Saix on a step ladder, hair pulled back and some form of plaster in hand. He blinked, “hey, Isa. What are you doing to my shack?”

“It’s much less a shack and closer to a cabin or a very small house,” huffed Saix. “Shack implies some abandoned pile of wood in the forest.”

“Uh. Sure. If you say so.” 

“I’m filling the cracks and holes in the wall.”

“You should have told me; I would have helped you,” Axel pouted. 

“Well. You can help me paint.”

“Did you get paint too, then?” 

“No. I wouldn’t without your opinion.” He paused. “Perhaps Xion and Roxas would like to help.” 

Axel tilted his head. “Is this something you want or something you are saying to please me?”

“Tell me,” Saix continued, “what are their living conditions? It has occured to me that they only had the Castle That Never Was. Clearly they are not going to go back there.”

“Huh,” said Axel. “Um… I think Xion is staying with Kairi. Roxas might be with Hayner in Twilight Town.” 

“Ah.”

“Isa. I’ve been looking at apartments in Twilight Town.”

Saix blinked, nearly dropping the plaster. “You have?”

“Yeah. With the munny we’ve been saving, it’s a possibility.”

“So I’m filling these holes for nothing,” he sighed. “I suppose, then, I should start looking for somewhere to go as well.”

“I was under the assumption that I was gonna ask you to move in with me, and that you were gonna say yes.”

“You would want that?” he answered softly, capping the plaster. 

“Isa,” Axel grinned. “You’re my boyfriend. Remember? Why wouldn’t I want you to live with me?”

“It hasn’t been… that long,” Saix breathed, carefully stepping off the ladder.

“You’ve been at my side for far longer, sunshine.”

“I apologize. I guess I am still getting used to… domesticity. Not being sad kids in Radiant Garden or--” He choked on the phrase, “Xemnas’ pet.”

“You don’t belong to him. You never did,” he coaxed. 

Saix shut his eyes tight. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, baby.”

He flinched at the endearment. “Well… I will miss the beach.”

“It’s not going anywhere. And it’s not for certain that we’re moving any time soon.”

“I believe it is the memories I will actually miss.” Saix took a breath. “I told you that you are my home. I don’t mind where we are as long as I am near you. Though I think adequate plumbing might also be homey.”

Axel chuckled. “We can get a nice kitchen where you can cook and serve on a functioning table. And it wouldn’t take long to move because we barely have anything to pack. Our friends’ help would likely make it one trip.”

“Lea?”

“Hmm?”

“If you… if I overstay my welcome, you would tell me, yes?”

Axel shook his head. “Isa. It never expires, you idiot.”

Saix smiled at the ground. “I said I would only stay with you until I found somewhere to go, and now you want me to buy an apartment with you.”

“You _did_ find somewhere to go.”

“Of course. Yes. Thank you, Lea.”

Axel wiggled his gummiphone in the air. “Wanna look at some places?” He threw himself on the couch before he got an answer, then gestured for Saix to join him. After a small moment of hesitation, Saix wasted no time worrying about personal space, burrowing himself under Axel’s arm. Saix let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding in, quickly untensing under his lover’s touch. “Babe. When was the last time you slept? Like _really_ slept?”

“Um,” flushed Saix. “I’ve been sleeping.”

“I keep hearing you get up in the middle of the night. Also you look like shit.”

“Thanks.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I’m used to not getting a lot of sleep. In the organization, I’d work late and wake early.” 

“But you’d sleep through the night.”

“Most of the time. I was exhausted.”

“Maybe you need something to keep you busy,” Axel suggested. “You were preoccupied almost all the time and now you’re at my level of activity.”

“Lazy as hell?”

“Yes, lazy as hell.” He adjusted his hand to stroke Saix’s hair. “What do you think?”

“Perhaps,” he mumbled. 

“Well, we’ll think on it. Here. Scroll through the listings.”

Saix took his phone as did as instructed. “Lea, I don’t even know what to look for.”

“Neither do I. Just tell me which you like and then we can ask someone with better judgement. Ooh, that one is nice but it’s expensive because it’s above that restaurant Sora likes.”

“Le Grand Bistrot,” Saix read. “Sounds expensive.”

“No, Isa. It just sounds French.”

“Same thing.” He paused. “We should get one with a spare bedroom.”

“In case you get sick of me?”

“In case Xion wants to spend the night,” Saix murmured. “Or any of your little friends.”

Axel kissed his temple. “You’re so cute.”

“I am not ‘cute,’” he snarled. 

“Yeah you are.”

“Is that why your background is still that picture of me on the beach? Because I’m ‘cute?’” 

“No, that’s ‘cause you’re hot,” Axel smirked, laughter filling the room as Saix’s face scrunched up.

Saix paused. “Lea, what of this one?”

\--

_At the heart of it, Saix knew it was likely his doing. Stubbornness clouded any decent judgement. Axel would continue not to talk to him so long as he left it as is. Saix thought that even with the new dynamic between them, he would at least maintain Axel’s loyalty. But no. His new make-believe friendships was more important than their real one._

_The actual absence of a heart was getting questionable. If he were what he should be, he wouldn’t care about what Axel did. There would be a pain in his chest every time Axel walked passed him in the castle._

_Saix must be broken._

_It didn’t matter. He had Xemnas. Isa was codependent on Lea, a humiliating weakness. With Xemnas, Saix was reaching his true potential. He could be his weapon. Void of feeling. Just a tool. He wasn’t real. Isa was. Saix? No. None of them were._

_But Saix held the secret that he was flawed somewhere deep. He would often find himself thinking of Radiant Garden, recalling the feeling of Lea holding him close. His lips on his own. The sensation of his touch. Saix wished he was like Roxas, not plagued by old memories of a perished existence. Maybe then he would not get a surge of terror every time Xemnas suggests disposing of Axel; maybe he wouldn’t make up some story to save his skin each time._

_Axel was weak. There was no doubt. And yet listening to Luxord and Xigbar banter back and forth made something eat at him. “I thought I’d get a little enjoyment watching Axel throw one last tantrum, but he went a lot quieter than I thought,” Xigbar smirked, and Saix found his teeth gritting._

_“Perhaps he was ready for it,” Luxord added. “Perhaps he put his existence on the line and won what he’d been longing for.”_

_“Wait a minute, how would that even be possible? We don’t exist, remember? What you're saying goes against the laws of nature.”_

_“Then perhaps he bet his NON-existence. Either way, he came out a winner. Oh, Axel. A grifter till the end.”_

_“That’s absurd,” Saix growled, trying to contain the something boiling in his gut. “He won nothing, and_ is _nothing. He couldn’t stand the emptiness of being without a heart. And_ that _led to his demise. He was foolish and weak.”_

 _“But,” Xemnas’ voice rang through him, immediately capturing his attention, “weakness has the power to awaken that which is dormant. It is clear that his actions, however foolish they may have been, Axel has touched Sora’s heart,” he said knowingly. “Perhaps_ he _will soon awaken.”_

_Saix dismissed himself._

_As he appeared in Axel’s room, he was met with silence -- no sarcastic remarks. This silence choked him, and Saix felt one single tear slide down his cheek. It startled him. He’d almost forgotten what that felt like._

\--

“Geez,” Axel called, announcing himself. “If I dig under one of these, will I find buried treasure?” He gestured to Saix’s X patterns in the sand, reappeared from the night before.

“If you try, you might find a bottle cap,” Saix droned. “What a delight.”

“That’s alright. I don’t need pirate’s booty. I already got quality booty right in front of me!” He wore a shit-eating grin, and Saix groaned.

“Keep those jokes up, and I’ll never let you touch it again.”

“Okay, okay!” His smile fell into a frown. “Isa, I’m worried about you.”

He flinched. “What?”

“You think I don’t know the significance of ‘X?’”

Saix didn’t respond.

“We don’t have to move,” Axel told quietly. “We can stay here. Fix up the Shaxel. Like we talked about.”

“You want to be closer to Roxas. And the clocktower.”

“That doesn’t matter,” assured Axel. “It was just an idea. I thought you’d want to move.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to. I just--” Saix gave a frustrated sigh. “That’s not even what is wrong.”

“Is it adding to it? Because we need to fix whatever it is before we even think about moving.”

“So I can burden you again?” he frowned.

“Isa,” he scolded.

“Is that who I am?” The drawing stick was tossed to the sand. “Am I truly Isa? Or am I Saix?”

“You really wanna dive into _that_ messed-up topic?”

The comment made Saix laugh a bit. “You have a point.”

“I find it’s best not to think on that,” said Axel. 

Saix turned from Axel to the water. “But don’t you ever wonder why Roxas is separate from Sora? Why Namine is separate from Kairi? Why Axel is _not_ separate from Lea?”

“See when I don’t want to have an existential crisis, I just blame everything on magical keyblade bullshit,” he smiled. 

“But Sora doesn’t retain Roxas’ memories, and--”

“I’m sure there’s an explanation, but I don’t really care about it. And you shouldn’t either. You’ve always been Isa to me, even when you were barking orders at me.”

Saix smiled sadly. “I wish I were more like you. But no. I’m too stubborn to accept things as they are. Funny. I thought that was you.”

“What do you mean?”

“When we were in the Organization, I wanted so badly for you to shut up and follow the Superior. But you were too stubborn.”

“Yes, well. You never could shut me up.”

“No,” he continued grimly. “That’s not it. I wanted you to survive. I believed that survival was to submit to him. And I liked it. I tried to drag you down with me.”

“Isa.”

His brow furrowed. “I know we’ve discussed this time and time again. I feel like a total moron for not being over the past, but it still haunts me.” 

“Stop,” Axel ordered, but it lacked heat. “That’s ridiculous. Why would you be over it? You are human now. People don’t just get over things. It’s gonna haunt you, and it’s gonna be shitty. But I brought you home. I’m gonna be right next to you. Whatever you need me to do, I’ll do it.”

Saix hid his face in his collar. “You already do enough.”

“I’d do a hell of a whole lot more.”

“I’ll do my best to deserve it,” he murmured. 

Axel studied him, then grabbed his hands. “Wanna dance?”

“What?” Saix spat. “Here? Are you nuts?”

The redhead yanked him close, moving one hand to Saix’s hip. “I thought you’ve established that I’m nuts.”

“You know I can’t dance!”

“Details, details!”

“There’s no music!” he blushed.

“I was getting to that, baby. Ready?”

“Oh no.”

“ _I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream,_ ” he began purposefully poorly. “ _I know you, the gleam in your eyes is so familiar, a gleam!_ ”

Saix laughed aloud, draping his arms over Axel’s shoulders. “You haven’t serenaded me in years.”

Axel tried actually singing at this point as Saix gave in, beginning to sway with him. “ _Yet I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem, But if I know you, I know what you'll do. You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream._ ”

Saix couldn’t help but giggle through Axel attempting to mock a violin.

“ _But if I know you, I know what you'll do. You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream._ ”

“Lea, this is so stupid.”

“Shh, I’m a radio.” Axel cleared his throat, “ _I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream; I know you, the gleam in your eyes is so familiar, a gleam.”_

Saix smiled to himself before letting Axel pull him yet closer, burying his face in Axel’s neck.

The hand holding his hips moved to hug his waist. The singing became soft, for Saix’s ears alone. “ _And I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem. But if I know you, I know what you'll do; You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream._ ”

They didn’t stop swaying even after Axel stopped singing. “Thank you, Lea.”

“What folk song would you like screeched in your ear next?” purred Axel. “‘A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes?’”

“It was not screeching,” Saix beamed. 

“‘The Mickey Mouse March?’”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Yeah, but you like it.”

“I love you, Lea.”

Time seemed to stop right then. Saix froze, not believing what just came out of his own mouth.

“Is- is that okay?” he stammered, not daring to move from Axel’s shoulder. “It’s fine if it’s not okay.”

“Of course it’s okay,” Axel melted, squeezing Saix tight. “It just surprised me.”

“Then, um…”

“I love you, Isa.”

Saix blinked, moving back so he could see Axel’s face. “You do?”

“Yes,” he laughed. “Why else would I make a fool of myself, singing and half-assed dancing with you on a beach?”

“You love me?” he continued.

“Yes!” Axel kissed his hairline. “Why are you the surprised one?”

“Well, you shouldn’t be surprised,” Saix hummed. “You would never see me doing this with Luxord, would you?”

Forehead pressed against each other. “Did you tango with Luxord, you little shit?”

“Oh yes. Long into the night to Demyx’s melodies. But he had to leave before midnight because then he turned back into a playing card.”

Axel’s laughter sang against him. “Holy shit, I would pay good cash to see you tango with Luxord.”

“It’s never going to happen.”

“I love you so much,” Axel breathed. 

“And I love you.”

“Let’s not move,” Axel grinned, reaching to move Saix’s hair out of his face. “We can go to Twilight Town whenever we want. But we fix up that piece of shit we live in, then it will really be ours!”

“It would be something to keep me busy,” he added. “With research and aid, we could do so much.”

“Perfect. I’ll sing some more and you can do all the work.”

“Wait, what? _Lea!”_

—

There was an expected knock on their door early the next morning. Axel was still passed out in bed, so Saix called for Xion to come in. “Good morning, Xion,” he smiled warmly. “I made you crepes. They’re almost ready.”

“What?” she started, flustered. “You didn’t have to cook me anything!”

“It’s not a problem,” he assured. “You’re going to help us, so it’s the least I can do. Besides, I woke up early from a nightmare anyway. Lots of time to cook.”

“You have nightmares, too?” she asked cautiously. “After reforming?”

Saix flinched, the appropriate response failing to come to him. “Yes,” he managed. “You as well?”

Xion nodded. 

“Do you wish to talk about it?” he said softly.

She shuffled in place. “It might be nice to talk, but…”

“Right,” he realized. “I’m the last person you would want to talk to.”

“No!” she gasped. “Actually… you’re probably the best person to talk to. Kairi and Roxas wouldn’t get it. But you or Axel might.”

“I.. would be flattered should you entrust this in me,” he stammered. “But it is ultimately up to you. Um. Crepe? I can make a new one, if these are too cold…”

“Don’t bother,” she grinned. “Do I put something on it?”

“Anything you like. I bought berries at the market. This is my recommendation.”

“Well you know what’s best!” 

They moved to the couch as Saix insisted the first thing they were going to do today was buy a dining table, and that we was sick of using the coffee table. They sat on the floor in front of it, as a coffee table was just a table too short for chairs. Xion thanked him yet again, complimenting his cooking.

“Axel still sleeping?” she asked. 

“You know him,” Saix sighed. 

Xion paused between bites. “Does he help with the dreams? Like, make you feel better?”

“He usually doesn’t wake up. But…” He smiled to himself. “Being near him does far more for me than I can understand.”

“That’s really sweet,” she cooed. “What you have is so special.”

“Honestly I don’t know what I’d do without him,” he admitted quietly. “But don’t tell him I said that; it would go straight to his head.”

“Thanks for being so open with me, Saix.”

“I think you deserve a bit of honesty at this point, don’t you agree?”

“It’s just, you’re like a whole new person. Maybe you were this way before, but I never saw this side of you. It’s—“ Xion clamped her mouth shut. “No, that’s stupid; never mind.”

“I assure you, it cannot be stupider than half the things that come out of Lea’s mouth on a daily basis.”

“It might sound mean, but I don’t mean it that way. I— I was just gonna say how you being so honest now… well, it’s made it easier to learn to trust you.” A prominent blush rose to her cheeks.

“That’s not stupid. Not in the slightest,” Saix assured. “You are not obliged to trust me. I understand your hesitation. There are many days I don’t even trust me.” 

“But you aren’t in my nightmares anymore. You haven’t been for awhile.” Her expression distorted. “That’s not comforting. I’m sorry.”

“It is,” he coaxed. “I no longer wish to be a source of grief in your life. If your image of me has altered into something positive, I have done well.”

“Can I ask what you dream of?” she shrunk. “You don’t have to answer.”

“In the bad ones, it is nearly always Xemnas,” told Saix. “Everything I did, I did for him. I struggle adjusting to a life where he isn’t monitoring me constantly.”

“He’s in my nightmares, too,” she mentioned. “And I hardly knew him.”

“He was awesome and terrifying,” Saix droned. “He held such a command over himself since he lacked emotion and empathy. He controlled through fear. My purpose was to please him.”

“Do you… still think that’s your purpose?”

“No,” he assured. “It’s a lot to unlearn, but I don't believe that anymore. Why else would I reform without him?”

“I wasn’t supposed to reform at all, but here we are,” Xion sighed. “I don’t think we understand much of anything. Maybe we’re not supposed to.”

“That is a far wiser answer than it sounds like.”

“Grim topic over breakfast,” yawned Axel, moving fo Saix’s side.

“Did we wake you?” worried Saix.

“No, you’re good.” He reached down for a kiss, cupping Saix’s cheek. 

“You didn’t give Xion a chance to close her eyes,” scolded Saix. 

“Doubt she cares.”

“I think it’s cute,” she smirked. 

“See?”

“Perhaps we shouldn’t make a habit of it,” Saix blushed.

Axel knelt beside him, running fingers through blue locks soothingly. “How are you feeling?” he asked softly.

“Better. Thanks to Xion.” She perked up in shock.

Axel beamed at him tenderly. “You’ll let me know if that changes.”

“I suppose so,” he answered. “I made breakfast, Lea. Eat so we can start.”

.

By the end of the trip, the three of them walked out with a table, two cans of paint, and a huge stack of business cards. It took far too much effort to get the table into the house. The rest of the day featured Xion and Saix doing the majority of the painting in the main room, and Axel doing a little and complaining that this is what magic is for. Saix argued that the work built character and made it theirs; the magic was going into the plumbing and electrical maintenance anyway. To shut him up, Saix instructed Axel to go buy dinner.

Axel came back to the residence to find both Xion and his boyfriend asleep on the couch, Xion’s head on Saix’s shoulder.

.

Saix gasped awake, sweat cold on his skin. Before he could think, he tensed at stirring at his side. Xion was cradled against his arm, both of them tucked under a blanket. He blinked in surprise. Saix exhaled, relieved his awakening didn’t wake her.

She was Kairi as Sora remembered her. Of course she’d be kind and quick to trust. But to him? After using her and lying to her? Saix was beginning to wish his heart hadn’t come back as his throat clogged up. Unthinking, he adjusted to stroke her hair. Then she began to regain consciousness. 

“Mmm. Saix?” she groaned, sleep evident in her voice. “What…”

“Shh,” he hushed, blinking back the mist in his eyes. “Sleep, Xion.”

“Did I fall asleep on you?” It was obvious she was not entirely awake, her words coming out in a mumble.

“Yes, but I don’t mind. Go back to sleep.”

“You want me to go on a mission?” She snuggled back under his arm. “Okay, Dad. Good night.”

“G-good night,” he whispered, tucking the blanket under her. He debated getting up to lay with Axel, but he was frozen in fear of waking her fully. 

.

He never fully fell back asleep. It was nearly dawn when Xion realized where she was. Gasping, she shot back, causing Saix to jump. “I’m so sorry!” she cried. “I didn’t-- I shouldn’t--”

“Calm yourself, Xion. I didn’t mind,” he said tiredly. “You’ll wake Lea if you keep squeeling.”

“You’re just saying that,” she quivered, hugging her arms against her stomach. “What time is it? You should have woken me up. I don’t want to be a bother.”

“You are not bothering anyone,” he assured. “You are always welcome here.”

“Did you sleep at all?!”

“Yes. I woke up from a nightmare far into the night. It wasn’t your doing.”

Silence filled the room, save a few birds outside the window. Xion spoke in a whisper, hoarse and barely audible. “Saix. What am I to you?”

“I don’t know,” he murmured. “I honestly don’t. But I am part of the reason you exist. I admit that I feel I should watch over you.”

“You don’t have to do that. I can take care of myself.”

“What am I to you?”

“It’s complicated. I’m not sure.”

“Last night, you were stirring, mostly asleep,” Saix told. “You referred to me as your father.”

Xion flushed. “I what?”

“Do you… see me as a father figure?” he stammered. “I-I suppose I am the closest thing you’ve got to a father, but I hardly deserve…”

“This is so embarrassing,” she groaned, hiding her face behind her hands. “I’m gonna go hide in a cave for the rest of my life. Are you mad?”

Saix blinked. “No. No, of course I’m not mad.”

“I never had a family,” she sniffed. “Roxas and Axel are the closest I’ve ever had to a family. Yes, you were in charge of me in Organization XIII, but… You’ve been so kind to me lately. Buying me books and taking me shopping. I don’t know what family is.”

“Lea is my family,” he said softly. “You and Roxas are his. We both depend on them to help us cope with not being a tool for Xemnas.”

She wiped her eyes with her wrist. “You’re the only one who gets it.”

Saix moved, leaning over to grab her hands. “Our best friends are strong rebels. We were used. You most of all. But you are so much stronger than you realize.”

She hiccuped, voice breaking. “I just feel like… like I’m not allowed to be happy. Like every time I’m happy, something should come and ruin it. Kairi and the rest are at peace and I don’t even know what to do with myself.”

“Hey. I know. It’s okay, Xion.” He hesitantly raised his hand to her cheek, wiping tears with his thumb. She pressed into his hand. “I feel the same way,” Saix admitted. “Lea makes me so happy. Everyday I am terrified something will happen, to him or myself. I worry if I let my guard down, I’ll turn around and Xemnas will take me over again. I constantly check my reflection to see if my eyes are still green.”

“In the organization, I never realized… you just seemed so sure of yourself,” she breathed. 

“I had ulterior motives. I had to do what I thought was necessary to achieve my goals.” He glanced to the bedroom door. “One of those goals being protecting Lea. Even if it meant he hated me.”

“I’m so sorry,” whimpered Xion. “For everything.”

“You have nothing to apologize for. You did not do anything wrong. Come here.” He held out his arms; Xion crawled into them, hugging tight around his neck as sobs shook in her chest. “You deserve to be happy.”

“So do you.”

Saix shut his eyes. “I… together, we will learn to cope.”

.

“Lea.”

“Mmhmm?” 

“Oh good, you’re awake. Just staying in bed.” Saix threw himself on the bed, tangling themselves together. 

“Xion still here?” he mumbled.

“Yes. She’s very tired. I told her to rest more on the couch.”

“Mkay.”

“Lea, don’t fall back asleep. Listen to me.”

“‘s early,” he complained.

“Lea, Xion called me ‘Dad.’”

Axel’s eyes opened. “What? Really?”

“What do I do?”

“Did you like, talk to her?”

“Yes, we… Lea, she doesn’t hate me. I’m so glad she doesn’t hate me.”

“I could have told you that,” Axel mumbled. “Wait, how come she never called me Dad?”

“Probably because you’re an irresponsible child,” Saix beamed. 

“You’re so mean to me,” Axel whined.

“I need a nap.” Saix wiggled into Axel’s arms, exhaling into his chest.

“Bein’ a dad is hard work,” murmured Axel, wrapping his arms around Saix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello and welcome back to me projecting on Saix 
> 
> thanks for reading this far!! im 90% sure there is only one chapter left in me so stay tuned for that. thanks again for all your kudos and comments!! i read them all and love them i just get overwhelmed trying to think of a response but they really have helped my self-confidence in writing so thank you!!!!!!!!


	9. Upside-Down Tears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys uh sorry for the wait i had a hard time finding motivation.... theres a little saucy part at the beginning here but it doesnt really go anywhere and if youd like to skip it stops at “Saix flinched, mind momentarily going blank. ‘Xion?’”

Saix, groggy with sleep, pried his eyes open to a mess of red. Axel faced him, bringing his fingers up to brush stray hairs out of Saix’s face. “Morning, sunshine,” he beamed. “Damn, I love when you sleep later than me. Means I get to wake up next to you.”

Saix hummed, stretching his legs. “If I didn’t get up, I would lay here for hours waiting for you.”

“Would that be so bad?” Axel smirked, running his hand down Saix’s side. “You could stare at me for the whole time without me noticing.”

Saix rolled over on top of him. “I could never look at your ugly face that long.”

“Ouch!” the other man laughed as Saix straddled him. “You know, I wouldn’t mind if you woke me up.”

“Oh yes you would. You would bitch for an hour.”

“No, no. It has to be a certain way.”

“Is that so? What, pray tell, did you have in mind?”

“A couple ideas, cupcake.” Axel’s roaming hands moved down, reaching Saix’s ass. “And most of them involve your tongue.”

“I stick my tongue in your ear? Like a wet willy,” he huffed, beginning to lose his composure. 

“Surely you have better ideas than that.”

“A few,” he admitted. “I might tell you if you earn it.”

“Anything you want, Isa.”

“Your tacky pajama pants are doing a terrible job concealing your excitement. I haven’t even began to tell you.” 

“Don’t act like _you’re_ not happy to see me.”

“Then do something about it. If you want me, then show me.”

A snarky comeback caught in Axel’s throat after the friction he caused. 

“You _would_ want me to wake you up in filthy manners. It is terribly in character.”

“Maybe I want the first thing I see to be you, Isa,” Axel breathed. “Can you blame me?”

Saix lowered himself to Axel’s ear, briefly playing with the lobe in his mouth. “Is it the sight of me? Or is it you want to wake up feeling me?”

“Damn it, do whatever you want, Isa.” His hand pushed under the fabric of Saix’s briefs. 

“What if you woke,” he hissed, “to find yourself filled with me? Would it startle you, or would you melt under the sensation?”

Axel slipped a moan. “Isa, you can do that now. Do it whenever you damn well please.”

“You want to feel me, Lea? Could the feeling of me bring you ecstasy?”

“Yes. Yes, I want you. Please. Just- just close the door all the way so Xion hopefully won’t hear.”

Saix flinched, mind momentarily going blank. “Xion?” His gaze moved to the door. “Oh, shit; Xion!” Axel watched Saix throw himself off of him. “I cannot believe you tried to get me to have sex with you when Xion is on the other side of these shitty, shitty walls!” he growled.

“Baby,” Axel whined. “She wouldn’t have heard if you just closed the door. Coulda kept my voice down.”

“Maybe you’re fine with that, but I’m not particularly fond of the idea of… of _taking_ you the morning after the girl in your living room told me she sees me as a father figure!”

“Well, she’s gonna know what we almost did if you keep wailing like this.”

“Oh, so it’s my fault now?!” he fumed.

Axel shook his head. “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you forgot she was here. I thought you were okay with it.”

Saix pinched the bridge of his nose. “No, I’m… I’m sorry. There was no reason to panic the way I did.”

“Debatable,” he shrugged, sitting upright. “You had reason.”

Hesitating, Saix sat close to him again. “I apologize for killing the mood.”

Axel kissed his cheek. “I don’t want to do it if you’re not 100% down. Got it?”

Saix looked at him expectantly.

“What?”

“Got it…? You’re not gonna say ‘memorized?’”

“Oh, gimme a break, Isa! I’m trying to be serious.”

“Never stopped your little catchphrase before.”

“Isa,” he said firmly. “I am never gonna make you do _anything_ you don’t want to do. Do you hear me?”

“Of course,” he breathed, taken aback. “Perhaps, later, when Xion leaves… we could continue.”

Axel hummed in response. “I’ll hold you to that.” 

“Will you come with me to check on Xion?” murmured Saix, taking Axel’s hand. 

“Yeah,” he smiled tenderly. 

As it turned out, she was still sleeping, snuggled under Axel’s blanket. Axel and Saix’s movement woke her, her mumbling a sleep-filled “what time is it?”

“Don’t worry about that,” hushed Axel, ruffling her hair as he moved passed the couch. 

“I’m going to shower,” commented Saix. “Unless Xion wants to.”

She shook her head.

“You don’t want something to eat first?” said Axel. “Tea? Coffee?”

“No,” he huffed, escaping to the bathroom.

“Plumbing isn’t even fixed yet,” Axel muttered.

“Is he mad at me?” Xion squeaked from behind the sofa cushions.

Axel blinked. “What? No! Far from it, Xi’.”

“Okay,” she groaned as she melted back into the furniture. 

“Uh huh.”

A muffled hiss signaled Saix had gotten in. 

“You two getting along?” Axel continued, acting oblivious. Xion nodded. “Good to hear.”

“You really love him, huh?”

Axel laughed off the blush heating his face. “I guess so. Always did.”

The girl smiled. “Always?”

“I mean when we were young, we…” He sighed. “We were inseparable.”

“Like now?”

“I don’t know,” he answered. “It’s different now. You never got to be an innocent, dumb kids. What Isa and I are now can’t be like the past again. He wasn’t the only one who made some shit decisions in the Organization. I did some bad things, cause I thought I had to. Just like Isa.”

“You’re not those people anymore.”

“Yeah, but we used to be,” Axel shrugged. “That’s the difference. We can’t erase what happened. You know that.”

Xion ran her hand through her hair. “I know. But how does that make love different?”

Axel clicked his tongue. “Well… I guess it’s just… like despite everything, we still came back to each other. Isa easily could have found his own path; I could have not given him a chance. But I think we both realized, even if unconsciously, that we need each other.” He flushed at his own words. “Well, uh, need is over exaggerating, we uh…”

“You need each other!” she cooed. “That’s so romantic.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”

“He gushes about you too, you know,” she told. “It’s really cute.”

Axel lit up. “He does?”

She giggled at the reaction. 

“Oh, so you’re not gonna tell me what he said.”

“Nope.”

“Come on, Xion!”

“Maybe you’ll have to ask him yourself!”

Axel groaned.

—

“Here, sunshine.” Axel sat himself beside his lover, holding out a respective ice cream bar.

Saix gave a small smile. “How are you so skinny when all you do is eat ice cream?”

Axel shrugged. “Fast metabolism?”

“Same as when we were children.”

“Been awhile since we were here by ourselves,” he mentioned, gesturing to the clock face. 

“I pray they can work a miracle fixing the plumbing while we pass time here,” said Saix.

“You sleep at all last night?”

“After I moved into bed with you, yes.”

“Xion keep you up?”

“No. I simply rest easier in your embrace.”

“Oh.” Axel rubbed the back of his neck. “That’s gay.” 

Saix rolled his eyes. “I do worry about her, though.”

“She’s forgiven you,” claimed Axel. “In forgiveness, she can move on.”

“There are still the scars from Xemnas,” he muttered. “From me.”

“If she’s forgiven you, the scars can heal,” Axel protested.

“It does not change what I’ve done.”

“You act like you’re the only one who made shitty choices. I manipulated and killed; hell, I attacked and kidnapped Xion. Maybe I’m the one she should hate.”

“She understood you were following orders.”

Axel pointed at Saix with his ice cream. “And you? You don’t think she gets that you were following orders too?”

“I made the orders,” debated Saix.

“Because…?”

He sighed. “Xemnas.”

“Bingo.”

“You’re right. I told her. We— we discussed this. I just… I don’t know.”

“Isa.” Axel grabbed his hand. “Can I be real with you for a second?”

Saix looked up at him expectantly.

“You need to forgive yourself, Isa,” Axel breathed. “I know it’s not an instant process. Believe me. I know. Xion is an important step, but you can’t move on with her alone. You need you to forgive what Saix did.”

Saix flinched, shutting his eyes. “I’m not sure I can, Lea.”

“We’ll get there. You just gotta let me help you, if that’s what you need to get there.”

“I still don’t understand what you see in me,” whispered Saix. “But I’m grateful you do.”

“Isa,” he continued firmly, “do you really not see the progress you’ve made? You open up to me. You admit things you wouldn’t before. Hell, you weren’t even this open in Radiant Garden.”

“Is this not a weakness?” Saix frowned. 

“That’s what the bossman would think, huh?” Axel squeezed his hand. “It isn’t. That’s how we know he’s not ‘Superior’ anymore. Not that he ever was, but you know.”

“So it isn’t just this damned heart?”

“It helps, I’ll give you that,” he shrugged. “Speaking from the heart? If I got anything from this Guardian stuff, it’s that speaking from the heart isn’t weak. It’s quite the opposite. Makes ya brave.”

Saix gave a short laugh. “Certainly doesn’t feel like it.”

“You told me that you were Xemnas’ right hand because that’s what you had to do to survive. And yeah, you might of lost yourself a little. But don’t you think you’ve changed?”

“I suppose.”

Axel furrowed his brow. “You are not what Xemnas wanted you to be. Say it.”

“What? No.”

“Say it!”

Saix hesitated. “I am not… what Xemnas wanted me to be.”

“Good. 500 more times should drill it into your head. Then you’ll have it memorized.”

Saix rolled his eyes. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but… well. You have already helped in more ways than you know.”

“I guess,” stammered Axel. “I’m just, uh, stating the obvious, is all. And doing what you did for me when we were kids.”

“You? Humble?”

“Ah, give me a break, would you?”

“Thank you, Lea. I, um. I love you.”

The tips of Axel's ears blended in with his hair. “Oh, um. Yeah. I love you too, Isa.”

“Finish your ice cream; it’s starting to melt all over your hand.”

There was a blip of silence. “Isa?” he said softly.

“What?”

“I want you to know that when I reformed, in Ansem’s Lab? I looked for you.”

“You did?”

“Yeah, I…” He sighed. “I woke up, and the others were there but you are Xigbar -- er, Braig -- weren’t there, and… well. Guess I did find you eventually. Just not where I wanted to.”

“As a vessel. Yes. I recall it.”

“I’m not holding it against you; you know that. I just want you to know that I tried to find you.”

Saix’s voice softened. “I suppose I found _you_ instead. But you did bring me home.”

“Yeah,” he responded, perking up immediately. “Now you can’t escape!”

“Oh no,” he said sarcastically. 

They felt Axel’s gummiphone buzz in his pocket. “It’s Roxas,” he blinked. “‘Can u meet me in Twilight Town; there are tons of heartless at the old mansion. U can bring ur bf.’”

“Shall we?”

.

In the thick of the forest, there were no terribly strong heartless, but what they lacked in strength they made up in numbers. Roxas was doing fine on his own, but was barely making a dent. “Why are they here?!” Axel yelled to him.

“How should I know?! But they jumped on Hayner, Pence, and Ollette!” spat Roxas.

Saix shielded against a mage heartless. “This will take us hours.”

“Got any bright ideas?” Axel huffed. 

Saix flinched in realization. “Yes. But you have to trust me.”

“You are _not_ berzerking.”

“I don’t think I will,” he continued. “I will lend you my power. You will use the tide to pulse the flames across the enemy.”

Roxas smacked two shadows back. “Won’t that, I don’t know— start a forest fire?”

“No,” Axel said, a smile beginning to creep on his features. “I can use magic to only hit heartless. Let’s go, Isa!”

Saix levitated behind him, his claymore beginning to spin in the air around he and his lover. Axel, focusing on the claymore, spun his keyblade, summoning mass waves of fire that pulsated through the heartless. Flames engulfed them, releasing a mass of hearts.

“Holy crap I thought I was gonna die,” Roxas exhaled.

Axel spun around, tugging Saix down. Grabbing his face, Axel searched for any trace of yellow.

“Lea,” he laughed, placing his hands over Axel’s. “Lea, I’m okay. I grounded myself to you.”

Axel beamed, eyes misting over. “Holy shit, Isa. We did it; we collaborated!” Axel lifted Saix off the ground, spinning him.”

“Why are you crying?” he grinned.

“‘Cause I’m so proud of you.”

“I need to draw your upside-down tears again.”

Roxas cleared his throat. “Hate to break up your moment, but there are still stragglers!”

\--

_“Do you think I’m weak?” Lea sniffed, rubbing his eye with the bottom of his palm. “Be honest.”_

_“Weak?” Isa blinked. “Why would I think that?”_

_“‘Cuz I still cry. All the other guys say boys aren’t supposed to cry.”_

_“That’s a rather… old-fashioned notion. I don’t think there’s anything bad about feeling things. What’s bringing this on? You didn’t seem to care when they teased you for wearing eyeliner.”_

_“I don’t know,” he mumbled. “But when I cry in public, it’s embarrassing-- I-- I don’t…”_

_Lea was taken aback when Isa moved off his bed, rummaging through his makeup. He sat back in front of him with a purple pencil, Lea freezing when he brought the tip to his cheek._

_“What are you do--?”_

_“Stop talking,” Isa hushed. “I’ll mess up.”_

_The tip of the pencil pulled at his skin, and before he knew it Isa had moved to the other cheek. Lea tried to look elsewhere, as Isa made a face when he was focused, a face he thought so cute that it threatened a blush; this would not help as Isa was right up near his cheeks._

_“There,” Isa stated, showing him in the mirror._

_“Thanks, uh, what is it?”_

_“Upside-down tears,” he claimed. “They’ll stop you from crying.”_

_Lea blinked. “Uh, really?”_

_“Yeah.” Isa fiddled with the sleeve of his jacket. “They’ll… protect you. And if you feel like crying, they’ll hold it back until you are alone. Or… with me.”_

_Lea laughed unexpectedly. “Thanks, Isa. I love it.”_

_“Next time someone makes fun of you, come get me. I’ll teach them a lesson.”_

_“Sure, sure,” he said, rolling his eyes._

—

Parties were already not Saix’s forte. The knowledge of King Mickey attending was terrifying. He also had to think of something to say to Ventus, who was cheated of years of his life and only knew Saix as Isa. Perhaps someone told him as well as Aqua and Terra. “Who cares?” Axel had said to him. “They have dealt with way more shit than worrying about our pasts. Maybe Ventus will care for five minutes. Other than that, you are overthinking it.”

“I apologize that the transition to the side of light is hard for me,” Saix muttered as he stepped off the dock. 

“Isa,” Axel groaned, squeezing Saix’s hand tightly in his. “I know it is. But the fact of the matter is I’ll be right next to you the whole time.”

Saix exhaled. “That comforts me more than you know. But I still worry.”

“It’ll be just like when we met Hayner, Pence, and Olette,” Axel grinned.

“Is one of them mouse royalty?” he huffed. “Or a keyblade master? Someone from my past?”

“Dramatic as ever.”

“Axel! Saix!” Kairi’s voice carried over the waves as three girls ran towards them. Kairi leapt into Axel’s arms, nearly knocking him over. Namine, hugging a sketch book to her chest, crept behind Xion, who patiently waited her turn for an Axel hug. Hers was far less enthusiastic, but unlike Kairi, she hugged Saix as well. 

“Damn!” Axel laughed. “Seeing all of you next to each other? Wow, you look the same.”

“Obviously!’ Kairi agreed. “We’re like sisters!”

“I wish it was that simple!”

“Oh!” She moved to Namine, hugging her shoulder. “Saix, I’d like you to remeet Namine. She knows you’re cool now.”

“Yeah,” added Axel, “you were uncool before.”

“Hello, Namine,” he greeted, ignoring Axel. “I am pleased to see you whole.”

“It’s a little strange,” she said bashfully. “But I’m glad I get to be with Kairi physically.” 

“So who has arrived so far?” asked Axel.

Kairi started listing them on her fingers. “Riku, Ventus, Aqua, Terra, Roxas, Hayner, Pence, Olette, and us. The King, Donald, and Goofy aren’t here yet. Let’s go over there! Does anyone want to help me set up snacks?”

“I’ll go,” said Namine.

“I’ll stay with Axel and Saix for now,” said Xion. The other girls raced ahead. “Saix, um. I finished that book you bought me. Finally. I’m such a slow reader. But it was so good!”

“I’m glad you enjoyed my gift,” he smiled. “We’ll have to go pick out another one soon.”

“No!” she cried. “No more spending munny on me!”

“Maybe Twilight Town has a library,” Saix pondered. “Libraries let you borrow books free of cost.”

“Woah,” she blinked. “I’d like to go to one.”

.

Everything else went quite well, despite Saix’s worries. Ventus acted like nothing had happened, as if no time had passed, and quickly enough he, Axel, and Saix partook in a surprisingly competitive game of frisbee. Sand sculptures were tarnished. Saix fled to Axel’s side as Donald Duck began to rampage at Ventus for destroying a self-portrait.

Axel felt skin graze against the back of his hand before Donald pointed out something in the sky. 

.

“There’s a legend on this island that Kairi told me about,” Xion started.

Axel, laying his head in Saix’s lap, turned his gaze away from the stars. “Yeah?”

“There’s a fruit shaped like a star that connects two hearts forever or something. Would you like to try it?” she teased.

“Paopu fruit,” Namine commented. 

“Ah,” Saix sighed, ceasing combing his boyfriend’s hair with his fingers. “That.”

Axel gave a short laugh. “Don’t need it.”

“Wow,” Roxas commented. “Okay.”

“Well, yeah,” Axel smirked. “Despite all the crap we’ve been through, Isa and I always find each other.” Saix flinched above him. “I don’t need a magical fruit to help. I’m always connected to him, and I’ll always find him.”

“Aww,” cooed Namine, peeking up from her sketchbook. 

“Xion, close your eyes,” Saix instructed before leaning down to kiss Axel. She didn’t listen, only giggled.

“Just don’t forget about me,” breathed Axel. “We don’t need it so long as you remember me.”

Saix smiled, pecking the corner of his mouth. “I won’t forget you. Believe me, I try all the time.”

“Does this mean you’re okay with PDA?” Axel laughed.

“I no longer see the point in hiding it.”

“When Namine draws something, it usually sticks, so yeah,” Roxas shrugged.

Axel gasped. “Wait, you’re drawing _what?!”_

She flipped her sketchbook on display, revealing a sketch of Axel and Saix holding hands.

Saix attempted to hide the color in his cheeks behind his coat collar. “Told you. No point.”

“Namine,” Xion spoke, seemingly diverting the attention from the couple. “How is Riku holding up?”

“He seems to be taking it better than I expected, but Kairi and I know deep down he’s hurting,” she sighed. “He’s practically devoted his life to Sora. We have to keep talking to him. Looking at the past, if nothing changes he’ll probably leave telling no one but King Mickey.”

“I wish I still had that strong connection to him,” Roxas huffed. “Maybe I could… sense him or something?”

“There’s nothing we can do,” Namine frowned.

Saix bent down close to Axel. “What happened?” he whispered

“I’ll tell you on the way back.”

\--

_Axel sauntered down white marble hallways. It was late, though one could not tell as The World That Never Was was also never daytime. Luckily, clocks were a thing, otherwise there would be no indicator of day._

_He froze when entering one of the main rooms, spotting that all too familiar shade of blue staring up at Kingdom Hearts. The second Axel regained himself, he turned on his heel._

_“Axel,” Saix called, “I saw you. There’s no point in leaving.”_

_“As if you want my company,” grumbled Axel. Regardless, Axel’s boots echoed in the empty space with each footstep closer to the man he used to know. “Can’t sleep? I know that look.”_

_“Are you having trouble sleeping as well?” Saix whispered._

_“Yeah,” he shrugged._

_“Any reason?”_

_“Nothing you’d care to hear.”_

_Saix exhaled as if it frustrated him. “I’ve been meaning to ask you something.”_

_“Yeah?” he answered cautiously._

_“Why do you still have the upside-down tears?”_

_Axel tensed at the question. “Does it matter?”_

_“Did you think I’ve forgotten the meaning? The origin?”_

_“Maybe I just like the look,” huffed Axel._

_“That must be it,” he said somberly. “It’s not sentiment then? I told you to let go of that.”_

_“Because sentiment is the worst thing to have, right? No memories. No remembering our plans.”_

_“Keep your voice down.”_

_“Everyone is asleep.”_

_“That does not mean people cannot wake.”_

_“All the shit I did to get you where you are. Does it mean nothing?”_

_“I recall it. I know what I’m doing.”_

_Axel swallowed an angry comment. The last thing he needed was him mad at him. But something in him wished that he would pat his shoulder or something. He didn’t need words — though they would be nice. Actions go a long way. A hug? A handshake? There wasn’t a lot of affection in being a nobody. No feelings, after all. So he couldn’t explain why he was so starved for touch._

—

The pair had reached their Guardian of Light limitations for the night; it was dark, but when they made it back to their shore Saix requested to spend a moment alone with Axel. Axel accepted, and the two sat close to each other where they had first kissed after the organization. 

“Something has been bothering you,” Saix started. 

“Are you kidding? Today was crazy fun. What would be bothering me?” 

“I don’t know. You tell me.”

Axel pushed down his hair with his hair, spikes quickly bouncing back into place. “You know me too well.” Saix lightly nudged their shoulders. “I was just thinking about Sora.”

“He is vigilant,” Saix assured. “He took down nearly all of the Organization. Twice.”

“I gotta believe he’s okay. I just feel for Riku,” sighed Axel. “I know he’s hurting. He’s acting like he isn’t, but I know he is. And of course Kairi feels like shit, since she’s the reason he’s not here right now.”

“Riku and Kairi have each other, for now. You can be there for Kairi, but there is not much we can do. Unfortunate as it is.”

“Promise me something,” Axel pleaded. “If something like what happened to Kairi ever happened to me, don’t go after me, okay? Don’t make me go through that.”

Saix flinched. “I… I can’t promise that, Lea. Especially not now. I could not just sit on my hands while your life is in danger.”

“Isa. Just let it happen.”

“This is an imaginary situation,” he coaxed. “You assume that I would even let you be taken. I wouldn’t. Not while I draw breath.”

“Not sure if that’s comforting,” he mumbled.

Saix flipped on top of Axel; he blinked as he straddled his legs. Saix cupped Axel’s head in his hands, gentle yet firm. “Now that I finally have you, I am not letting you go. Not again.”

“Arguably, it was you that left,” he grumbled.

Saix exhaled. “Now that I am reformed, freed from my mistakes, I want to be by your side. The only person who can take you away from me is you, Lea.”

Axel gave a sad smile. “Kiss me?”

Saix kissed once where an upside-down tear would be, a second where the other would be, and then a third on his lips— deep and passionate, as if he were starving for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU FOR READING THE WHOLE THING!!! Maybe I’ll see you on some of my other writing someday, but for now, bye!! You are all wonderful!!


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